About People

I suddenly have this urge to close this blog down. Haha.

I suddenly don't feel like I want 'some' people I know who reads this to read them. Not you Chris, not you Tin... certainly not you guys.

As I was doing my usual 10km, I have come to remind myself that all irritant in life MUST be purged from the system as there is karma that will bite if you don't. I MUST.

I have come to acknowledge how 'some' people have the tendency never be lesser than me and that I should always just forget about what has been said on my face just when they want to feel better. Despite me shoving them aside by preaching that they are to deal with their insecurities, it does to some extend irritates me when peeps try compensating their laurels against mine. But who are they kidding really?

I am what I am. They are what they are. Who is saying really that I'm better or they are lesser?

So it has really come to a point that I have indeed avoid a number of peeps who has come to know me. I'm sorry but I need to avoid some people just so my life is more palatable. As after all, to a lot of extend I am sensitive, thick skin I can sometimes be.

I mean, who cares with really you could do a loop within 10mins as opposed to me some 5mins plus. Who really cares. After all, I train for different purpose and I know what I want. I mean, peeps can't just take to compare how fast I run simply when their purpose is just to be healthy whereas mine is to complete sub-2 hour for a half marathon. It's like trying to compare a SL500 v F450. Both cars are made for different purpose. You can't compare.

I have also come to avoid people who are consistently with attitude problem. Though mine isn't any better. Haha. But someone has to prevail and I think it's my attitude I'm willing to live with, not someone else's. Haha.

This girl has made me feel sick doing yoga with the group in the office and so much so that I have stopped yoga for yonk months. And I realised it is not yoga's fault that I am shunning it away so I should just keep up by being a little more discipline and find my way again to be with yoga. I mean, if there is a will, there is a way.

Yoga is the far and few body resistance exercise I get to keep me very strong. I'm withering by the days as I keep missing it. And even more so, I should not stop just because I feel I do not want to be near 'such people' and is made similar to that 'such people.'

I should just open up my heart and let it be. I'm me. She is she. While I feel she has also tendencies to follow me as much as she would like too (tho not as bad as SOL), I do wish I can tell her to chill it. It's ironic when people chooses to do the exact same exercise you do from running to yoga to cycling. I'm now waiting for her to also start rock climbing, tennis and how about diving (she mentioned to me once that she is so interested to get the license). Oh well...

Really, I feel sometimes, at 37, for Buddha's sake, try getting your own identity and don't falter behind me like a drunkard without quite sense who really you are.

At some point in time, I was wondering to myself from SOL, to this peeps I just mentioned, what is up with trying to be like me? Am I THAT likable or THAT cool to try following suit the stuff I am passionate about? Or is it really that you think you need to have stuff like this to be my friend?

Then also, there was this funny relative. How funny she is. The more my Lapin friend speaks about her and the more we discuss, I have come to realized she is quite a fake from a series of events. She is nice to Eugene because she adores him but other than that, she doesn't quite bother and take the effort to stay nice as a family. Which I feel is such a fake.

But I at this juncture I know I can't stand the attitude and I just want to stay away from such peeps as far as I can because I just want to be with real peeps. Fakers and posers are really not my cup of tea. I don't even want them near me.

On the hind side of things, I have met real peeps too. So real that they have now become my new friends. They reminded me of many things I have been missing since living out here on my own in KL with Eugene.

They taught me the meaning of real friendship, real companionship, real ties, real concern, real support and real laughter. They keep abreast with my life with genuine interest (no pretense, no agenda) and they never, never choose to make me smaller. Instead, they make me feel bigger than I thought I already am and they filled my life with lots of love. I shall not vent how much more they have showered me but they sure are great gift which have popped up in my life.

It's nice to really find real peeps. And let me say, as usual, they are not from KL. Let me again be reminded that peeps born and bred in KL generally are like Maggi Mee. Very bad for health when you consume it overly. Haha.

I have had many happenings in my life though I'm short of penning it down now. Mainly because I don't feel like sharing with that 'certain' people and so I rather have it summed in cute drawings or picture as it tells a thousand words in FB. Besides, writing really tell my inner most thoughts about every single stuff that passes by, unadulerated. I so don't want those peeps to read.

Guess that is my rant for now. I'll leave the post with thoughts about the peeps I like and dislike... and let's see how I'll eventually fair from them all... :-)

Socks for Japan

My oh my, once a month's update is not doing good in maintaining a blog Ms Verniela.

Oh well, was it that the novelty of blogging has subsided or I'm simply busy with life? It's the latter of course. Even if this blog isn't a blog, I would have sought avenue to write my thoughts, somewhere in cyberspace...

From the last, MIL is recuperating from her major operation and thus in a matter of days or weeks, she will commence her radiotheraphy and I am seeing it as all good and awesome. I'm elated.

In fact for the past 1 week, I have been feeling happy about things despite small glitches here and there but then again, there is no such thing as runway smooth in thing thing call life. I'm at least happy about work so long I dont' get breath-down-the-neck to submit some stupid deliverables that is execuriatingly pain in the ass or getting hammering from my Boss for some funny looking crap numbers. While Loser has tendered his resignation, now it's the Keropi who is taking over. Oh, so be it as so long it doesn't make me a penny poorer, why should I be concern? It's work after all.

We (colleagues and friends) collected a good RM4K and by the good hearted means of my colleagues, purchased some 800+ socks for Japan given that they were lack of basic neccessities like this where peeps often forget to donate. So all in all, with others who donated socks and money, we managed to gather a total 1000+ stocks. The interesting part about this is, with the socks, there are still work to be done. We had to pack them individually into plastic bags and stick encouraging notes on each socks. Imagine the factory production line we went through getting this sorted. Haha. But it was fun. Of course, the pain was it when Jee and gang had to do the socks shopping. Imagine having to carry the hundreds into the car, to the office for us to all pack up. Fuh!!! But like every charity work, there is always someone or some souls who are pain the ass. Those peeps who do nothing much but acted like they were the peeeps who did the running around and organizing. And so much so that acted as if they champion the entire cause. I hate peeps like this. Hate to the core despite the fact that I know this is a strong word to be used on someone. And the best part of it all is, like I was in Collections, it is peeps like this that can't stop taking pictures so that they could eventually show off to other uninvolved peeps that they are doing something about it. But I find that there is always the fine distinction between peeps who want to account for the things they do to enable them to inform fellow donors where their contribution have gone to versus those that wanted to show off. Sad. I supposed in every goodness of the many peeps, there will always be 1 or 2 idiots who would remind us, don't forgot they are assholes too just when you are feeling life is great. These are the very peeps that knocks reality into your senses when you are in Cloud 9. Haha. However though, there is so much in life that one can be bothered to remain sane and happy. So you need to discard such idiots but mildly be reminded. Haha. However said, for me, it was nice having to see those socks folded with a message attached, getting packed into the many plastic bags, then transported into the car, then to the courier company, then being packed into the DHL boxes, then sealed, then having Michelle to filled in the dockets that addressed them to Sano Tochigi and knowing some hundreds of peep over in Japan will be kept warm!!! It's a super duper feeling. Well, so much for now. Back to running. Catch ya.

I'm FINALLY Back

Today is the day I have decided to return to my blog. 2 1/2 months of silence apparently. So how has life blown me off? 

Plentiful. 

I seemed to have tales to tell. 

I have soul searched in December during my 2 weeks of mandatory vacation and I have concluded that I shall by and large retire from the corporate in near years. I have not come to a precise time of the exit but as I lugged through 2011, month by month, it creeped upon me as constant reminder of my yearning pursuit to move to the next stage of my life. 

I strongly feel this decision has attributed from many pull and push factor, namely 1) the passion and satisfaction of working with the Bank no longer intrigues me. I used to feel a sense of achievement and satisfaction when I 'arrive' at a rung of the ladder but in recent months, such feelings have frizzled to almost just smoke and dew (mirror ever?). My interest to climb and tolerating nonsense of corporate fancy does in fact, grossly disgust me. 

2) I am sad to openly admit my job is no longer a joy despite the handsome remuneration. At every stressful crossroad I realized myself lamenting, "I really don't need this crap." And there I go, swear, curse, swear. Lolx. I no longer see the point. I no longer feel happy. I no longer feel the sense of pride on the things I do. 

That is the problem. And problem must be fixed.

From the sparks of tiredness, I begun to soul search for things to do in life. I begin to uproot my buried interests and passion to come up with something I could do and yet live by when I retire. And I have found few - write and open a Tea Shop (I know I have said this before but this time, it’s getting more serious than ever).

Well, we shall now wait and watch while I plan out my 'best laid plan' though I would have to bear and weather the waves and storm from the Bank for now until I am ready to set my new sail in near future. I promised myself that despite it all, I must take things a step easier and enjoy the ride as much as I possibly could (though to some extend I wish I immediately need to face the music in the Bank). For now, it's laying low and staying focus. 

I have chosen to use the word 'retire' as opposed to the infamous 'resign' simply because the difference is distinct. Retire as far as I sum up means to stop taking part or simply withdrawing from a particular activity whereas resign simply means quitting as in giving up from doing something. I don't feel I have given up but rather just pushing it away from me. So that is my difference. :-)

Gawd, I sound solemn. 

Other than that, I have also come to terms with resigning from getting irritated or piss with SOL in her attempt and life pursuit to me better than me. Of course, like every human that every action has it's equal reaction, much occasions I have reacted but it has really come to a point where I feel I need to leave this cross road because it is time that I move on to the other stuff in my life that has been lay out for me. I totally felt this dire need to leave it all behind. 

At this point, I met with 2 very interesting people who gave me different perspective but underlying fact that indeed, letting go and moving on is the remedy to this phenomenon. One advised was to unabashedly learn to harness love on the one I most despise and witness what happens and the other advised me to ignore and surpassed the feeling of being followed and excel the way I am and see what happens next. 

I did both. And I'm looking out for the results. Waiting, waiting.

 

Other than that, to add on to the push to wanting to retire is when my MIL has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and within the whirlwind of 1.5 weeks, she has went through a major operation to remove her growth, now recuperating and soon, the radiotherapy. While everyone is busy identifying their feelings and settling down with the storm that rocked most of our lives, this got me even thinking that my time spent stressing out with the office is totally unwarranted. And as I lug on this feeling, I am starting to feel is it weighting heavier and heavier as the days go by.

 

I feel I need to move out of such a negative environment and start really living, with me, the pilot to my own aircraft. I don’t want to be dictated by my boss on my time and my deliverables. I’m just sick of having to follow the rules of the game to stay alive and to look forward for the salary piece by every 25^th of the month. And the best part of it all, I have a choice now.

 

And therefore, I’m leaving this very, very, pathetic arena, soon.

 

Enough justification. Haha.

 

Since at this moment we are slowly settling down again since MIL’s operation, I have not been running hard. Partly we have been traveling between states to see her as much as we could and while in Malacca we spent quite a measurable time being around her. The surprising part is the act of lounging around is still tiring! Hahah. So yes, I feel tired just sitting around, lofting and doing nothing much! Plus, of course, with rumors about radiation spread in the air from Japan nuclear reactor breakout that might have reached Malaysia some days back, I’m trying to be skeptical and be indoors for the last few days just so to be on a safe side. On the hindsight of things, I think I’m making up excuses for myself for not running. J

 

I will. I will run tomorrow. Why not today? Hmm, I just want to be lazy for the last day. That is why J I might just get some yoga done today. Some appetizer.

 

Speaking of which, I have stopped yoga class with the office folks. Somehow, as I was relating my feelings about it, I dislike how the classes are being conducted today. Firstly, I don’t feel nice being with a particular individual in yoga class because I feel her sense of show-off about yoga which turns me off. She is the type of person that makes yoga looks like it’s a cool thing to be indulging and she is rightly so because she does yoga. She has those stuff ranted in her FB and she goes on and on with her birds of same feather mulling over it again and again like a broken record. I just can’t stand her though she is nice to me as a supposedly ‘friend.’

 

She is the type of friend who I would just want to be friends from afar.

 

Anyway, back to yoga, I also dislike the way the teacher teaches yoga. She takes it at the convenience of her time and half of the time she gets some replacements to teach yoga of which, sometimes being taught by people like the girl I mentioned who only took up yoga some 6-8 months. She was teaching the regulars who have been yoga for yonk years. That gets your eye brows raised because where then is the path of improving over improvement? Even more so, with this particular person teaching, who doesn’t even know the right stances to begin with, what is she teaching? It’s pretty much like garbage in garbage out. And I personally feel, this is an insult to yoga.

 

While some people might lament that for the love of yoga, I should not place judgment over this and I should not even keep such trivial matters away from yoga and me, I just feel I want to stay away from the entire yoga scene from the office, as far as I could. These people are making me feel that yoga is a lifestyle, misrepresented and taken as a matter of fact. So gauging from the difference in our perspectives, I can’t t bring myself to go for yoga classes with people I feel “fake.” Sorry, but I’m as blunt as it gets about this J and there it goes, Verniela is on her own again on this one.

 

I just want to be around humble and nice people. That is all I’m saying.

 

Well, so much for now. I will be getting back to updating. The long brooding has been done and I’m back. So here I come, life!           

 

The Very Last from The Decade of 2010

I have grunted all about 2010 being the bitch it was. Now, right on the 31st of the day of Twenty Ten, I think I should do some justice by giving gratitude towards the goodies it has given me, small it may seemed.

It has been a year where I got myself my dream car, the Cayman S. Of course, the purchase of this car was also Eugene’s love for car that made it possible. But honestly to God, touch my little pounding heart, I could not have asked for more about the tenacity of owing it at the age of 35.

Some people acclaimed it to be an achievement, some viewed it as a show off and some think it’s a complete lunacy since it is not that I literally have all the money in the world. But I have completely ignored any form of notion from any being because the cause of this purchase was purely and solely about me and my passion. It happens that this is one of the things that swindle a substantial amount of dough.

So indeed, the key to living a fulfilled life is to have it lived with ears close, open heart and a mind of dreaming. Speak nothing but truth and heartfelt openness ignore all insinuation which was meant to hurt and those aim to curtail dreams simply because that individual is just oh-so-envious. And oh, I forgot, focus and determination of having it eventually, regardless.

Ignorance is bliss. And indeed, these very words were formed to with strain such cumulus crap shit of onslaught. To shield indolent beings who only sneer at diligent accomplishments or dreams.

Also, 2010 is the year I ran my life away. I ran with my heart, my joy and my utmost best. I also ran with a lot of fun too. I had in fact ran my best. It came to a point where I completed an average 50km a week, with lots of heart palpating sweat and adrenalin rush. And also a point where I wish, I need not have to run another mile as I am so mentally and physically drained.

But they were my best. My best times. Now that I am no longer faltering over the crazy run but looking back with smiles and heart warming sniggers, I truly appreciate the challenge to run further and faster than I ever could.

I on the other hand, I owe a special thanks to the challengers who have brought about this ludicrous challenge though farcical it initially sounded. It has however, brought me to a different level of fitness and goals surprisingly.

But I have to admit with candid pursuit that, it was indeed with much of fun despite the arduous attempt to be ahead of the challenge.

My 2010 has also been a year of copious reading. All in all, including of crappy books, I did more than 20, which literally translate to an average of 1.5 books a month.

This number took me by great surprise because by definition of my berserk busyness in the office, I actually took to complete an improved number of books as compared to my yesteryears of reading. And I stumbled upon few greatest books of all times. Books which took my breath away like I was mouthed in the world of constant sensuous pleasure. My expression of such fervor could only be understood by and large by people of the same vehemence for books. And I truly feel blessed having the luxury despite the stress and time constraint to still read.

Of course, I must not forget to mention my stumbling upon the magic of Copic markers. That brought back my love for the endearing illustrations that often bring ohhs and ahhs. I had tremendous fun drawing again. Though my card making was altogether another episode of interesting tale.

And again, I picked up tennis over and again. Initially fun to having the chance to get a grip of the racquet and hit green balls over and over. Trying hard to muster accuracy over to the other side of the net. It was indeed, fun. Yet, sometime in the 3rd quarter of the year, I stopped learning because classes were becoming cumbersome instead of delightful fun. But yet, in 2011, I am determined to get a new coach and get on with life with tennis under the sweltering and scorching sun.

Well, pretty much my amens done now and pretty much the summary of my true fun has been exhibited unabashedly today, the last day of the year.

So even with all the bitching said and done, it has been still a year I totally felt unsatisfied like I just had a piece of unsweetened cake for dessert, which was meant to sealed off the day as “done.” Nope, 2010 did not present that flavor. 2010 was just juices of orange juice grinded every morning just to give me some zing in life. It wasn’t firecrackers and breathtaking enough.

So, yes, 2011, that is what I am in hope for. I so look forward for you, though I don’t know how. But somehow it would just be. I know.

Brooding and Resolution

I spent Xmas in Mcca with my family. I feel serenely sober and brooding. I just don't know why I'm feel this but I am certain I feel good going back and being with my own family.

But I'm not in the giddy, giggling mood though. Which, normally I'm in [the giddy giggling mood I mean].

I finished reading "The Japanese Lover" by Rani Maniker and I enjoyed reading thoroughly in Mcca.

I feel that I enjoy being at the back seat and just watch, look, gathering my observation and building opinions within myself. But I have no inclination to be expressive about what I have seen and experience.

I am just enjoying the moments, with lesser words than I normally have, with Eugene, with Mum, with Danny, with Aunty, with cousin, with Grandma and I even don't feel like talking much to my colleagues who may want me to talk. I rather SMS them so I don't need to talk much, just important points in SMS forms *smile*...

Yeah, I'm in those kind of mood.

But I sure have lots to write when it comes to book reviews and I am never short of words to express my thoughts precisely. Wonderful.

Anyway, so much for now. I'm going back to my shelves, under the "Not Read Yet" section to fish my next book. Hastalavista... Have a good new year babes...

And last but not least, 2011? I resolute to 1) get a set of 6 pacs abs 2) finish writing a book 3) be happier, less stress, chill more 4) do justice for myself by updating that God forsaken resume and start opening out for opportunities.

Yay!

So Far...

My life thus far has been good. I have no complains what-so-ever being just myself.

I'm been now conferred (from myself) as one of the most frequent users of FB where you literally can see some smart ass cracking nonsense from me every few hours.

I'm not bored. I'm just entertained, amused, interested, living and honestly, enjoying every minute of it.

Despite, receiving the occasional calls and sms from my unit, I'm happily answering their quires, taking it that I'm only working at 10% capacity. Also, I don't think I want to entirely shut off work because when 3 Jan comes, trust me the effort to rev the engine to it's usual crazy 200kmph would be taking me ages to get there. So it's nice to still have a shimmering fire on.

Ah, I'm still waiting for Eugene and the news of his interview. Apparently, the interview was supposed to start at 9.30am, the time now is 12.20pm. Sounds like it's going very well.

I can't express the amount of looking up I have for Eugene. Though of course we have that bunch of sour grapes or green eye monster to disregard what I have to say because they can't be better or they just don't like seeing people being better than them [so if you are truly reading this line by line, my message is: go hang yourself and then go to hell].

Anyways, back to my point about Eugene, I truly feel it is about time for him to move on to another pasture. Greener or not, I can't say but it is time. More so whenever he has reached to this level and the amount of experience he has garnered from this job from Day 1, I think it is the time.

The time for this break through. As I believe, for every person who works hard for it, there is and should be a breaking point for their break through. And so, this is his time.

I'm giving him all the luck I ever have in my pocket here and truly giving it all to him because all he needs is for that someone to agree to his recruitment, with the agreed package, and ta-dah, he's on the roll.

I'm so positively looking forward for him because I have not seen much people at today's rate worked so hard and much as he has. So he deserves every single bit of it.

Talking about work (again), as I am typing this post, it now has dawned upon me that I have indeed worked even harder than my Collections days. It is true. Though I am older now, with more years of experience in my saddle, I have been working harder than I was for the past 8 years in Collections.

So, without any intention to boast, I also believe I deserve every single bit and grain of remuneration and recognition that is due. And if people still think it isn't enough and yada yada yada, I would like to ask them to hang them self and then go to hell. Haha. Really.

More so this is applicable to the persons who are not my boss. Or ex-bosses. Or whoever. Of course I will be one day as good as my Boss but I am not now as otherwise, I would be sitting on this chair rite?

A lot of people should learn to understand several points: 1. If you think someone isn't good enough for something and do not deserve any of those things they are getting, try doing it yourself and prove that you could do better. If you are indeed better, you deserve all the recognition 2. If you can't, then just shut up and mind your own business because by end of the day, it is none of your business.

This is the problem of society when it comes to the corporate world. People tend to forget where they stand. People tends to conveniently forget.

Anyway, enough of griping. I should be going off. Till then, ta-ta...

Darn Central Bank

Good news: I'm officially off from the office for a God damn 14 days, 10 business days.

Bad news: I've still got some loose ends to tie *bleak*

So how do I really feel being away finally. Just a smattering relieve I should say because for the past few weeks I have been taking things with lots of patience and strikes. And I have also started taking things one at a time - like it or not if anyone feels of such.

And like all matters, I tend to find things to look forward to enjoy this coming 2 weeks tho they are things which is totally normal and mundane to a lot of people. Like reading, sleep, running and yoga.

As usual, between these posts there has been happenings in the office, a lot of it to do with politics and the antics of darn ass stupidity. But I'm just so bored and tired about them that I don't feel like dishing them out in this post. But I sure have conclude a number of assholes, bringing several new additional to the family of assholes in my little black book. Haha.

Corporate assholes.

I did however a very bitchy thing yesterday. I wrote a colleague in the office a mail telling her "nicely" not to spread rumor about my hiring for people in my unit (which has totally nothing to do with her whatsoever). And I honestly mean to put her down because it is always people like this that causes a lot of dissatisfaction, misunderstanding and friction which is totally unnecessary because she speculate things and with her wrong assumption, she spread it like wild fire and cause people to be upset.

I just can't help it. I can't help ignoring like I normally do on these 'woman' problem. Not for this.

I'm feeling fine today despite coming home at some 2am today. Thanks to last minute 'urgent' stuff requested by this darn Central Bank. Honestly, if I ever be the Boss one day, I'm going to tell these motherfuckers in Central Bank to wait for their request and not to construe everything as 'urgent' if they really are not. I mean, this is not a way to get people to deliver things the soonest just because they have some authority over Banks.

Screw them. To begin with, we do not have an information counter open up just to entertain to their whims and fancies queries. We each other have a lot of work to do and are basically paid to do that. None of us here are actually commissioned to entertain the Central Bank in any way what so ever. If only these people can get the point on this.

Plus, I would give them my due respect IF they have more banking knowledge and understanding than us, and are actually in the position to 'advice' the banks as how to manage the business. It is actually, always, the other way around, we end up sharing with them our best practices so these mother fuckers learns some Banking philosophy so that they can preach to the local Banks.

To me, and I believe to a lot of people as well, it doesn't warrant a single respect. And yet, they demand information is to be provided to them on ASAP basis every single time they fucking drop a mail.

Honestly, this is VERY wrong. And I am really writing my piece of opinion about this bunch of wankers.

Yes, you can consider that I despise them. Haha. Quote me.

Well, so much for gripping. I think I better stop this negative vibes before it goes out of hand. I better go get my fix of healthy mojo now... definitely a better post the next time around... *cheers*