Plentiful.
I seemed to have tales to tell.
I have soul searched in December during my 2 weeks of mandatory vacation and I have concluded that I shall by and large retire from the corporate in near years. I have not come to a precise time of the exit but as I lugged through 2011, month by month, it creeped upon me as constant reminder of my yearning pursuit to move to the next stage of my life.
I strongly feel this decision has attributed from many pull and push factor, namely 1) the passion and satisfaction of working with the Bank no longer intrigues me. I used to feel a sense of achievement and satisfaction when I 'arrive' at a rung of the ladder but in recent months, such feelings have frizzled to almost just smoke and dew (mirror ever?). My interest to climb and tolerating nonsense of corporate fancy does in fact, grossly disgust me.
2) I am sad to openly admit my job is no longer a joy despite the handsome remuneration. At every stressful crossroad I realized myself lamenting, "I really don't need this crap." And there I go, swear, curse, swear. Lolx. I no longer see the point. I no longer feel happy. I no longer feel the sense of pride on the things I do.
That is the problem. And problem must be fixed.
From the sparks of tiredness, I begun to soul search for things to do in life. I begin to uproot my buried interests and passion to come up with something I could do and yet live by when I retire. And I have found few - write and open a Tea Shop (I know I have said this before but this time, it’s getting more serious than ever).
Well, we shall now wait and watch while I plan out my 'best laid plan' though I would have to bear and weather the waves and storm from the Bank for now until I am ready to set my new sail in near future. I promised myself that despite it all, I must take things a step easier and enjoy the ride as much as I possibly could (though to some extend I wish I immediately need to face the music in the Bank). For now, it's laying low and staying focus.
I have chosen to use the word 'retire' as opposed to the infamous 'resign' simply because the difference is distinct. Retire as far as I sum up means to stop taking part or simply withdrawing from a particular activity whereas resign simply means quitting as in giving up from doing something. I don't feel I have given up but rather just pushing it away from me. So that is my difference. :-)
Gawd, I sound solemn.
Other than that, I have also come to terms with resigning from getting irritated or piss with SOL in her attempt and life pursuit to me better than me. Of course, like every human that every action has it's equal reaction, much occasions I have reacted but it has really come to a point where I feel I need to leave this cross road because it is time that I move on to the other stuff in my life that has been lay out for me. I totally felt this dire need to leave it all behind.
At this point, I met with 2 very interesting people who gave me different perspective but underlying fact that indeed, letting go and moving on is the remedy to this phenomenon. One advised was to unabashedly learn to harness love on the one I most despise and witness what happens and the other advised me to ignore and surpassed the feeling of being followed and excel the way I am and see what happens next.
I did both. And I'm looking out for the results. Waiting, waiting.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I'm FINALLY Back
Today is the day I have decided to return to my blog. 2 1/2 months of silence apparently. So how has life blown me off?
Other than that, to add on to the push to wanting to retire is when my MIL has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and within the whirlwind of 1.5 weeks, she has went through a major operation to remove her growth, now recuperating and soon, the radiotherapy. While everyone is busy identifying their feelings and settling down with the storm that rocked most of our lives, this got me even thinking that my time spent stressing out with the office is totally unwarranted. And as I lug on this feeling, I am starting to feel is it weighting heavier and heavier as the days go by.
I feel I need to move out of such a negative environment and start really living, with me, the pilot to my own aircraft. I don’t want to be dictated by my boss on my time and my deliverables. I’m just sick of having to follow the rules of the game to stay alive and to look forward for the salary piece by every 25th of the month. And the best part of it all, I have a choice now.
And therefore, I’m leaving this very, very, pathetic arena, soon.
Enough justification. Haha.
Since at this moment we are slowly settling down again since MIL’s operation, I have not been running hard. Partly we have been traveling between states to see her as much as we could and while in Malacca we spent quite a measurable time being around her. The surprising part is the act of lounging around is still tiring! Hahah. So yes, I feel tired just sitting around, lofting and doing nothing much! Plus, of course, with rumors about radiation spread in the air from Japan nuclear reactor breakout that might have reached Malaysia some days back, I’m trying to be skeptical and be indoors for the last few days just so to be on a safe side. On the hindsight of things, I think I’m making up excuses for myself for not running. J
I will. I will run tomorrow. Why not today? Hmm, I just want to be lazy for the last day. That is why J I might just get some yoga done today. Some appetizer.
Speaking of which, I have stopped yoga class with the office folks. Somehow, as I was relating my feelings about it, I dislike how the classes are being conducted today. Firstly, I don’t feel nice being with a particular individual in yoga class because I feel her sense of show-off about yoga which turns me off. She is the type of person that makes yoga looks like it’s a cool thing to be indulging and she is rightly so because she does yoga. She has those stuff ranted in her FB and she goes on and on with her birds of same feather mulling over it again and again like a broken record. I just can’t stand her though she is nice to me as a supposedly ‘friend.’
She is the type of friend who I would just want to be friends from afar.
Anyway, back to yoga, I also dislike the way the teacher teaches yoga. She takes it at the convenience of her time and half of the time she gets some replacements to teach yoga of which, sometimes being taught by people like the girl I mentioned who only took up yoga some 6-8 months. She was teaching the regulars who have been yoga for yonk years. That gets your eye brows raised because where then is the path of improving over improvement? Even more so, with this particular person teaching, who doesn’t even know the right stances to begin with, what is she teaching? It’s pretty much like garbage in garbage out. And I personally feel, this is an insult to yoga.
While some people might lament that for the love of yoga, I should not place judgment over this and I should not even keep such trivial matters away from yoga and me, I just feel I want to stay away from the entire yoga scene from the office, as far as I could. These people are making me feel that yoga is a lifestyle, misrepresented and taken as a matter of fact. So gauging from the difference in our perspectives, I can’t t bring myself to go for yoga classes with people I feel “fake.” Sorry, but I’m as blunt as it gets about this J and there it goes, Verniela is on her own again on this one.
I just want to be around humble and nice people. That is all I’m saying.
Well, so much for now. I will be getting back to updating. The long brooding has been done and I’m back. So here I come, life!
