Doing It Well

I thought I wanted to write about women after a watch on Whitney's interview with Oprah, after going through the motion on Janie's life, after listening to my aunty about her life, after watching friends' lives going on and on with their men, after listening my grandma's, after falling in love myself with men. I had the urge to write about us women. But somehow, while deep within I thought I had many, many words to make up a good piece. Unfortunately, when I was confronted with a blank piece to pour my soul out before my eyes, all I could do was blink. In search of words. Sentences. And a flow.

So I did not.

Writing to me, is all about the heart. And that makes me a heartfelt writer to some extend. I can't work mechanically like a lot of people. I'm a heart person I think.

So, this is not the first time. It's one of the many other times.

Tomorrow is the due of the short stories submission for Malaysian writers and I am just done with Jimmy with a mere 800 words.

I have decided last Tuesday while driving home from work at 9pm that I will not submit my work. I mean if I can't do justice to a good piece, I should not just do it for the sake of submission. Rush jobs simply equates sad reads. And by the virtue of things, my mind at this moment is focus on everything else not literate. Unfortunately.

Yesterday, when I was asked to attend a presentation about this program on building my career since someone viewed me with some 'potential' (as I've said before, programs like this by the stupid HR is always a showcase in justifying their importance to the organization, people like us just need to show the face. To ditch it aside represents attitude, to give it a cold turkey represents irresponsibleness so just to play it safe, we've got to just fill in the gap as 'required'), nevertheless, I learnt 2 things from my big boss.

The difference between "excellence and success."

It's a nice and apt way to differentiate 2 simple words and it reminds me just, to stay true to myself to do what I enjoy doing, despite the rest of it all. The rest to me means money, recognition and lifestyle.

Excellence is doing something you love doing and doing is exceptionally well from the rest or norm. Success is going something well but unnecessary excellent. So he went to conclude it is always that with excellence, success comes and seldom the other way about it.

He is right.

And so, here I am, trudging on with my journey towards excellence as I go on with life in this wonderful 2010.

Stop to Smell The Roses

I have decided to stop. Stop from what I have been doing the whole of today and smell the roses. And my version of smell the roses is writing this piece.

My life has indeed been super busy but I honestly am enjoying every bit and minute of it now. I don't know if this euphoric feeling is because I have been exercising 6 days a week which has induced all the happy hormones coming out from its closet to play. Or is it really, I am enjoying life as it really is after all the heartaches I have gone through in 2009 and most recent news about my job that I have decided I want to just live life.

But it sure hell is a great. *smile*

About work. I realized I would work hard so long I see myself attaining an objective. And I realized also when I see myself growing step by step towards my objective and doing it relatively well, it brings me more than satisfaction. In fact, I have to admit that my move to Cards has been liberating thus far. Big L has given me the upper hand that I need to work my way around my deliverables. He has also been less intrusive and allow me ample space to grow and learn within my capacity. I can't express how much piece of space means to me. So as I move along, slow and steady, learning something new everyday at work, I am a happy person.

Of course, in this 1 month journey, it has not been all smooth sailing. I have still a gunny sack full of report readiness once we cut-over after this weekend. We are doing as much as we could to ensure we are sufficiently equip with what it takes to run the business-as-usual but it sure is scary. It's basically, venturing into the unknown until what becomes of it. Just as walking into a tunnel you know that is definitely dark and damp but not knowing if there is indeed a pot of gold or a pot of shit at the end of it. But life lesson has taught me enough to stay positive and hope for the best and worry less until we come to the bridge. I mean, what can I now do which is under my control is being carried out to the best of my staffs' and my effort.

My feat has also been gasping the works of Cards business at an entirety level. It is a tough feat since I have been born and bred a Banking product person. So learning about Cards is totally like a revamp of what I already know. Plus, the dynamics of Cards is colossal. But it is nevertheless, fun and challenging.

I have been running quite a bit. And despite the occasional stress on the knees, I am feeling great about it no doubt, I am no where at 15km standards yet. But still, it's great.

But what I discovered was falling in love with the cross trainings I have embarked. It is simply fun. And all I can recollect every time I am done is, "Gosh, this is just so fun." *grin* Tennis classes itself is a great workout and as the weeks go by, discovering that I have now better control over my balls is sheer satisfaction of being able to just do that. What simple person I am. Haha…

To top that, I am back to cycling too. The mere fact of having the wind caressing the apple of yours cheeks and the exertion push while cycling uphill is challenging enough to be rewarded by the rolling down hills after the hard work of going up. It is fun. Rolling through over and about the hills is simple audacious fun. I can't find any other words to express.

Well, so much for now. I want to get back home and do some light cycling over the lamp posts. Sssshhhh… do not tell Eugene about it. *wink* or should I just get into my yoga mat - 30 minutes of meditation and 1 hour of just simple stretches and sun salutation should also be invigorating enough to stay strong for the day *wink* Hmmm. Let's see which is more interesting when I reach home… 

Over The Weekend

One for the road, my current muse. PS: I love Whitney's silver/beige dress at the almost end of the vid. Welcoming Whitney's return with OPEN arms!

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And I'm in one of this mood... U2 always... listen with the heart... ahhhh...

Tennis, Training, Johnny & Delta of Venus

There are several highlights in my life at the moment and it is seeping in bit by bit to give me the feeling that I will not be able to blog as much as I would like to. So I shall conclude that this is the tip of the iceberg of me living my life.

Work has been a lot as I have always ranted. Over and over, this I believe would take part of the centre stage which I believe has several scenes playing all at the same time.

I have started my tennis lessons with Janie, Jeanie and Evonne on Sunday and it was really fun. I am happy because finally I have an opportunity to be with the sun again, then I am of course happy because I finally have someone proper to teach me the real tennis. Forehand, backhand and pull through. As I was picking up lots of balls (and mind you, when I mean, lots, it is really LOTS), I was glad that we had Roger. Roger the coach is a chatty and very patient guy, not forgetting with his number of coaching he has been giving throughout the past 13 years, I am sure teaching us, the ladies in distress (so some extend) is just a simple feat.

I am indeed looking forward for 9am Sundays at the court from now on.

Of course I have started my exercising regime without frills last week. I started off running in the early morning prior to work and even got my heavy feet for yoga classes. As usual, yoga always reminds me how much strength and flexibility I have loss for the missing classes. I even got myself a new mat! But I have to bow very low and admit yoga's amazing wonders when I held on to the soars for 3 long days despite the running.

I am in the midst of getting the story about Johnny written so I am able to submit him for the Malaysia's anthropology this month end. I choose Johnny because he is such a colossal of character that he represents pretty much the Chinese mass market of Chinese men in Malaysia. Lies, deceit, money, women, sex, food and a nice to be around person. To begin, Johnny would be Jimmy in my story.

It says here, 5000-8000 words for him. I have no qualms about having all that I know about Johnny and his misadventures here, but I am only in doubt if I could ever finish him all in the maximum 8000. Honestly. He is quite a character.

Big L has asked me to also join in for a creative writing online class but I doubt I am into it for now. Much as my heart palpitates to want it, my time is now tightly filled with everything else that I don't think I would have time for assignments, class discussions or even homework.

Even as I am typing this, my reading has been stowed aside and drawing has yet begun. My focus now is toget Johnny aka Jimmy on. And I want Jimmy to be a good piece :-) so it would take me quite a bit of effort and time.

Finally also, I have gotten Delta of Venus. But I have to admit I am truly disappointed with the first 3 chapters as I was mentioning to Big L. I felt it wasn't emotional enough, it wasn't depthful enough to bring erotica to a level that I call 'taste'. Intrigue it was however. Maybe I have read better less infamous ones. Maybe I have already an ideology how I want erotica to be so when it doesn't fit to 'what' I perceive, the element of disappointment emits. I suppose.

Well, so much for now. I wrote half way about Beijing but I got utterly bored writing about it. Haha. So later when I am done with Jimmy, I would give excerpt of Beijing that excites me. Not going to write a travelogue as that is pure pussyfoot boring. Till then… I'm going back to Jimmy… *wink*

I'm BACK

I have been awaaaaaaayyyyyy. Not entirely because I have been online with FBs and my emails but I just haven’t gotten the time to blog and update about what's happening around this person's life.

Yes, I went and return from Beijing in one piece despite being frozen at minus 14. That will take an entire long post {which I have decided to account the time spent there}. It has been a fabulous trip despite it's short tenure and I must say, of all the people in this world, I surprise myself with enjoying Beijing which I never knew I could. I am blushing. That is why people always say, never say never. Well, this sure is.

I have been back to work as well on Monday and today, I started my training sojourn again to be "very" ready for 2010 races. I'm feeling elated and excited over this and I pray very hard that these knees would not give way in between the trainings and I would safely complete at least 2 half marathons this year, of course my in betweens of 10km races are merely condiments to the halfs I am eyeing. So, here shall be the beginnings of early mornings training of running, walking, cycling and what nots.

In fact, I am feeling great despite having not run for 2 long weeks. I ran a good 5k and did not feel a single tinge of fatigue or have any issue of gasping for air. I did the pathetic walks and climbing up the Great Wall between thse 2 missing weeks. So as far as I am concerned, that doesn't account to exercise at all. Merely 'moving about.' But I still faired well in my run today… yay!

This Sunday would also be another turn of my life because finally, Janie, Evonne, Jeanie and I would be starting our tennis lessons. I know. Laugh. I don't know how Roger (the coach) would take us in but I sure hope everyone would be gung ho enough to stick till the end which allow us to carry a decent game of tennis between the 4 of us and the rest of the population of tennis players.

I'm super excited.

In between these berserk events, I managed to finish reading 2 books. Believe me, I completed these 2 awesome books which totals to a good 600++ pages of paper within a span of 1.5 weeks. I amazed myself. But of course, these readings were hardcore readings. I was reading between airports, in airplanes, before every wink or snooze, in salons and at every waking hour that doesn't require my attention. For a good 400++ pager, I completed within 5 days. I amazed me because despite all the movements and actions, here I am, still holding on to that peace in mind to read word for word despite it all.

But much has to be added that the books were very good too. They did their justice and deserve my unrelentless attention and focus. They were THAT good. Especially, The Thirteenth Tale. I believe it would be every insane bookworms' ideal piece. I have to admit, I have not had such a good read for a long time.

And for these, it has spurred my reading appetite again, of a sudden, I am ferocious and hungry for books, books and books. And I have to thank this piece to my cousin brother who works now for Silverfish while he is on a break.

At the same time, I am not looking forward to attend James' wedding dinner this Saturday. Firstly, it has been attributed to the fact that Eugene will not be with me. Secondly, that Fiona may not be there as well. Thirdly, I would be meeting my 1st ex. I dread. I mean, this is one ex I dread meeting because for all that has happened, some people just don't seemed to be able to get over things and still has this high inclination to prove that I have miss a good fish {if that is how he wish to have it thought, I would anytime give him that thought because I am so, so, so over this relationship we had some 20 years ago} *Gawk*

Well.. So much I could squeeze for now.

Pray

The wise man said, time heals. It does. I am feeling better now. Spiritually. Much cheery than yesterday, than the previous day, than the previous, previous day.

Jamie sent me the pictures I've requested which he has captured in his photography rendezvous. I can't thank him more. Of course, he reminded to accredit him for his work. How could I not. Reminded him too that the drawings are for his taking whichever he likes when I am done. I asked for 3. I think I would only do 2. The "monk" picture after a brief look through the entire picture, he doesn't intrigue me, unless I get him in oil. But I am not there yet.

I am planning to sketch the "aunty in the temple" with tone of blue or grey or even red. I am planning to paint the 'birds' in shades of grey. And so, the "monk" would be the last. He looks the most simple but in my opinion, he would be the challenge.

Simply because his face in right in front of the camera, faces which has direct focus on the picture is the toughest to draw. It requires perfection of the pencil to get his face right. And that, requires unprecedented skill.

So yes, Ms Wii will be drawing when she returns from Beijing.

Speaking of which, Beijing is a colossal of snow within. And the weather is ferociously crazy. Like a woman scorned. *Gulp* I feel like a humble man trying to wean her angry soul to serenity. So that, I can trek the Great Wall, at least once in my lifetime. *Grin* Those below 0 degree temperature scares me a bit and I am in no position to envisage its wholly tenacity of greatness. This is Mother Nature. The Queen. The lady whom I have humbly bow when she wants me to bow. I am no where worthy of her tenacious and temperamental nature.

So, I can just pray. Pray, pray, pray. No storm. No blizzard. Pleaseeeee. And be nice enough for me to walk up the Walls. *Pray*

I'm pretty hype up with things. I have 2 things major to plan now.
1. My, bro and Susan's diving refresher and the rest of the people's license
2. The Kinabalu hike

My heart flips when we talk about these. Yippee.

Anyway, just also pray I am in state of wonderful health. Every virus with an attitude has came out to celebrate the year end and new year with me. They actually put the body to rest and partied as if there is no tomorrow. So much so that I am half a drug junkie now just to settle these buggers down and get them off back into their closet where they have been tightly lock all these while.

Pray.

Well, so much for it now and having to pray. It's back to reality. Till then.

My First Day of 2010 in the Office

As today is the first day of work in the office, I came in with impartiality, indifferent and unperturbed to the state of matter when I left the office on Thursday, 31 December.

Half the people have returned. I am unfazed.

Then the build up of small commotion begun because the little mass of people were indulging in their joy for the things some colleague has bought and the yada yada yada goes.

I clogged my ears with my earphones so that French lounge music has a chance to pulsate my hearing sense. Ah, much better.

Then from an indifferent feeling, I became a little disgruntled because I started to make opinions over the satirical people sitting around me, the racket and 'pasar' {market} feeling evokes.

I am being reminded, they did not change in any sense, my paradigm has shifted a little. It's me. Not them.

That is because I came to work, being much focus to the issue at hand. The issue that has been lingering in my solemn thoughts, bearing it like a small pack of weighted sack upon my shoulder since last week. I needed to master the issue before I can feel liberated. I need to move and march if that is what it takes and get it right. That is my calling now. My aim for 2010 in my job.

This glitch has degraded this thing I make a living from, from a career to a job.

Well, one has to walk through the broken glasses and get over to the pebbles and cobbler stones. There is no choice.

Delete

This wee hour of the morning at 3am, I did one of thing which is pretty unnatural of me - I deleted about 50-60 odd people in my FB list.

It was a very conscious effort because at this point, I felt I just didn't want unnecessary pretentious people or people who are just really acquaintances to be in my list of friends. Though I am contradicting to some point here because I did in fact kept acquaintances I knew some where along my life who were nice people.

OK, what I meant was, I erased all acquaintances that totally met the definition of acquaintance which did not even had the cheek to pop a 'hi' note to me even after adding me into their FB list. Nor once in awhile pop into my life to give me a 'poke' or somewhere along that line.

Though some folks may be opinionated there is no need for such deletion as it is an act of arrogance, but I being rather active in FB where I channel plenty of communication with my friends in every corners of the world, I do appreciate friendship and candor.

To me, if there is no expression to keep the friendship as friendship, there is no value to just hold it there for the sake of it.

I mean, having someone with the need to have a count into their friends' list in FB is just ridiculous because what sense does it specifically make? Or being there in number just to assure him that he is not all alone in this world ? That is honest pathetic.

There are however as sad I am to admit, I have kept few individuals which I feel treacherously about in the list. Simply because I work rather closely with them and I don't want them to know I do have something against them deep down personally. Things like how I do not approve on their contemptuous attitude towards others in the department and etc.

These are as good as white lies. I just don't need unnecessary problems in the office since if such individual has such disposition on people, what's more against me.

I just want peace because I need to work and make a living by end of the day and go live by my passions.

But mark my words, as soon these individuals leave or I leave, there is no hesitation for deletion.

I know. I sound perfectly sinister and crooked but I am just being me.

It's enough of pretense already in reality. I don't need such bullshit. Nor do I need people who adds me in their list just so I come handy in their lives whenever that it. So yes, out you go!

And The Story Goes...

This blog seemed to have become my diary of thoughts and emotion. Haha. But I can't help it because I don't think I want to bother my friends over my bitching for all the negative load I have. Afterall, there is so much a person can take.

So here it goes.

When I woke up this morning, I was still in pain, the dull headache is still there. Somehow I told myself that I would be better and went to have brunch with people's family. Oh well, whatever. Afterall, Eugene needs to spend time with his parents and brother. It's all fair.

I slept pretty much thru afternoon till 4 and I woke feeling just a tinge of dull headache and very fresh. I decided to slowly walk up the hills I love and missed. And there I was, walking very gallantly up, armed with Alicia's Doesn't Mean Anything and When You See My Smile. There Alicia woke me with showing no emotion when someone kick dust on my face. Yeah!

My walk feels extremely serene. Extremely surreal even. I have not felt such peace for a long time and I have missed such moments for a long time. And as I inhaled the fresh air of the hills while enjoying the willowing breeze caressing my face and limbs along with the whispering rustle of the leaves, I felt very strong. I felt afresh and I felt I have all it takes to go out to the world again and seek that I want out of my life.

It was a great feeling.

So as I walked home, my heart was flapping lightly with happiness and vigor, with appreciation of everything I have and with a reminder that I should just stop being so hard on myself and enjoy my life as I have always believe it to be.

I dressed up for dinner, looked pretty much the supposedly chick I was to be and walked out with matching red handbag and sandals. I agreed very much to that person in the mirror. I was happy.

We had dinner at my favourite jap - Rakuzen, along with my in-laws and the cow and BIL. The moment she came out of the car she was so hardup to flash her new Panerai! She literally waved ger wrist to Eugene. I mean, really WAVE!

I rolled my eyes, she was proudly showing it to Eugene right on his face. So fucking proud, as if her entire self esteem resonated from that piece of clockwork.

Eugene whispered in my ears giggling as he said, "Just when you said not a word to my brother about getting the Panerai." I rolled my eyes even higher and made a loud sigh. In my heart I swore, "Bitch."

And so it went on with her show off in the dinner room about her stupid watch. As she was filling up her self esteem and satisfaction that she has finally purchased something far better than my Ulysses, I was furiously typing my feelings to Pete and Adrian, cursing and swearing with all the energy I have. Of course, my buddies were replying with sighs and curses along with me. Phew, thank God for them. And as they were talking she blurted over it being a manual.

There I go, opportunity to whack and so I asked loudly, "Why get a manual and not auto?" That shut everyone up. Oh well, I just needed that. She of course further proved her ignorant and stupidity. She lamented she didn't understand why the Panerai cost so much and she further affirm her stupidity but not knowing even the model she has bought. She fucking doesn't even know what she has bought!

I started to laugh to myself over her outright insecurities and the believe that she needed a watch so badly to improve her battered ego over my splendid life. I'm elated I have defeated her and made her feel superbly low that she needed a Pam to fix her imbecility. I gleed like a wicked witch who has won a battle over another wicked witch. I felt victorious!

But after dinner Eugene told me that I should not have said that sentences in such tone and mannerism, afterall, what has she done wrong?

Oh. Yes. What has she done after all right?

I just gave Eugene the look and said I don't care. He went on to say again that it's unacceptable to act this way.

Honest to God, as I have said over and over again, I really don't care what she fuck thinks or what everyone around there at that moment thinks. I have had enough of being Ms Nice and Ms Tolerate for the longest time. And I really must say I have had enough of always having to cry behind the backs of these people as if I am ok. As if I am not pissed with her means of measuring up to me in every ounce and pints she ever could {particularly on every material aspect she believes and aim to be}.

I am not ok and that is the point. So really, whatever it is, don't piss me as I am no longer going to just keep quiet and lay numb. Eugene may be upset because I made him look as if he married a witch but honestly, when it cones to her, it has come to "whatever" with a capital W. If that is how he feels about it, I honestly don't think I ought to apologise for him feeling so. Afterall, Eugene should know me better than anyone else.

It is all about satisfaction bringing it back and I am not going to be that back seat Betty anymore. Enough of being Ms Nice which I have been miserable in. It is time I stand for myself because if I don't, I realized no one will. No one...