This blog seemed to have become my diary of thoughts and emotion. Haha. But I can't help it because I don't think I want to bother my friends over my bitching for all the negative load I have. Afterall, there is so much a person can take.
So here it goes.
When I woke up this morning, I was still in pain, the dull headache is still there. Somehow I told myself that I would be better and went to have brunch with people's family. Oh well, whatever. Afterall, Eugene needs to spend time with his parents and brother. It's all fair.
I slept pretty much thru afternoon till 4 and I woke feeling just a tinge of dull headache and very fresh. I decided to slowly walk up the hills I love and missed. And there I was, walking very gallantly up, armed with Alicia's Doesn't Mean Anything and When You See My Smile. There Alicia woke me with showing no emotion when someone kick dust on my face. Yeah!
My walk feels extremely serene. Extremely surreal even. I have not felt such peace for a long time and I have missed such moments for a long time. And as I inhaled the fresh air of the hills while enjoying the willowing breeze caressing my face and limbs along with the whispering rustle of the leaves, I felt very strong. I felt afresh and I felt I have all it takes to go out to the world again and seek that I want out of my life.
It was a great feeling.
So as I walked home, my heart was flapping lightly with happiness and vigor, with appreciation of everything I have and with a reminder that I should just stop being so hard on myself and enjoy my life as I have always believe it to be.
I dressed up for dinner, looked pretty much the supposedly chick I was to be and walked out with matching red handbag and sandals. I agreed very much to that person in the mirror. I was happy.
We had dinner at my favourite jap - Rakuzen, along with my in-laws and the cow and BIL. The moment she came out of the car she was so hardup to flash her new Panerai! She literally waved ger wrist to Eugene. I mean, really WAVE!
I rolled my eyes, she was proudly showing it to Eugene right on his face. So fucking proud, as if her entire self esteem resonated from that piece of clockwork.
Eugene whispered in my ears giggling as he said, "Just when you said not a word to my brother about getting the Panerai." I rolled my eyes even higher and made a loud sigh. In my heart I swore, "Bitch."
And so it went on with her show off in the dinner room about her stupid watch. As she was filling up her self esteem and satisfaction that she has finally purchased something far better than my Ulysses, I was furiously typing my feelings to Pete and Adrian, cursing and swearing with all the energy I have. Of course, my buddies were replying with sighs and curses along with me. Phew, thank God for them. And as they were talking she blurted over it being a manual.
There I go, opportunity to whack and so I asked loudly, "Why get a manual and not auto?" That shut everyone up. Oh well, I just needed that. She of course further proved her ignorant and stupidity. She lamented she didn't understand why the Panerai cost so much and she further affirm her stupidity but not knowing even the model she has bought. She fucking doesn't even know what she has bought!
I started to laugh to myself over her outright insecurities and the believe that she needed a watch so badly to improve her battered ego over my splendid life. I'm elated I have defeated her and made her feel superbly low that she needed a Pam to fix her imbecility. I gleed like a wicked witch who has won a battle over another wicked witch. I felt victorious!
But after dinner Eugene told me that I should not have said that sentences in such tone and mannerism, afterall, what has she done wrong?
Oh. Yes. What has she done after all right?
I just gave Eugene the look and said I don't care. He went on to say again that it's unacceptable to act this way.
Honest to God, as I have said over and over again, I really don't care what she fuck thinks or what everyone around there at that moment thinks. I have had enough of being Ms Nice and Ms Tolerate for the longest time. And I really must say I have had enough of always having to cry behind the backs of these people as if I am ok. As if I am not pissed with her means of measuring up to me in every ounce and pints she ever could {particularly on every material aspect she believes and aim to be}.
I am not ok and that is the point. So really, whatever it is, don't piss me as I am no longer going to just keep quiet and lay numb. Eugene may be upset because I made him look as if he married a witch but honestly, when it cones to her, it has come to "whatever" with a capital W. If that is how he feels about it, I honestly don't think I ought to apologise for him feeling so. Afterall, Eugene should know me better than anyone else.
It is all about satisfaction bringing it back and I am not going to be that back seat Betty anymore. Enough of being Ms Nice which I have been miserable in. It is time I stand for myself because if I don't, I realized no one will. No one...
So here it goes.
When I woke up this morning, I was still in pain, the dull headache is still there. Somehow I told myself that I would be better and went to have brunch with people's family. Oh well, whatever. Afterall, Eugene needs to spend time with his parents and brother. It's all fair.
I slept pretty much thru afternoon till 4 and I woke feeling just a tinge of dull headache and very fresh. I decided to slowly walk up the hills I love and missed. And there I was, walking very gallantly up, armed with Alicia's Doesn't Mean Anything and When You See My Smile. There Alicia woke me with showing no emotion when someone kick dust on my face. Yeah!
My walk feels extremely serene. Extremely surreal even. I have not felt such peace for a long time and I have missed such moments for a long time. And as I inhaled the fresh air of the hills while enjoying the willowing breeze caressing my face and limbs along with the whispering rustle of the leaves, I felt very strong. I felt afresh and I felt I have all it takes to go out to the world again and seek that I want out of my life.
It was a great feeling.
So as I walked home, my heart was flapping lightly with happiness and vigor, with appreciation of everything I have and with a reminder that I should just stop being so hard on myself and enjoy my life as I have always believe it to be.
I dressed up for dinner, looked pretty much the supposedly chick I was to be and walked out with matching red handbag and sandals. I agreed very much to that person in the mirror. I was happy.
We had dinner at my favourite jap - Rakuzen, along with my in-laws and the cow and BIL. The moment she came out of the car she was so hardup to flash her new Panerai! She literally waved ger wrist to Eugene. I mean, really WAVE!
I rolled my eyes, she was proudly showing it to Eugene right on his face. So fucking proud, as if her entire self esteem resonated from that piece of clockwork.
Eugene whispered in my ears giggling as he said, "Just when you said not a word to my brother about getting the Panerai." I rolled my eyes even higher and made a loud sigh. In my heart I swore, "Bitch."
And so it went on with her show off in the dinner room about her stupid watch. As she was filling up her self esteem and satisfaction that she has finally purchased something far better than my Ulysses, I was furiously typing my feelings to Pete and Adrian, cursing and swearing with all the energy I have. Of course, my buddies were replying with sighs and curses along with me. Phew, thank God for them. And as they were talking she blurted over it being a manual.
There I go, opportunity to whack and so I asked loudly, "Why get a manual and not auto?" That shut everyone up. Oh well, I just needed that. She of course further proved her ignorant and stupidity. She lamented she didn't understand why the Panerai cost so much and she further affirm her stupidity but not knowing even the model she has bought. She fucking doesn't even know what she has bought!
I started to laugh to myself over her outright insecurities and the believe that she needed a watch so badly to improve her battered ego over my splendid life. I'm elated I have defeated her and made her feel superbly low that she needed a Pam to fix her imbecility. I gleed like a wicked witch who has won a battle over another wicked witch. I felt victorious!
But after dinner Eugene told me that I should not have said that sentences in such tone and mannerism, afterall, what has she done wrong?
Oh. Yes. What has she done after all right?
I just gave Eugene the look and said I don't care. He went on to say again that it's unacceptable to act this way.
Honest to God, as I have said over and over again, I really don't care what she fuck thinks or what everyone around there at that moment thinks. I have had enough of being Ms Nice and Ms Tolerate for the longest time. And I really must say I have had enough of always having to cry behind the backs of these people as if I am ok. As if I am not pissed with her means of measuring up to me in every ounce and pints she ever could {particularly on every material aspect she believes and aim to be}.
I am not ok and that is the point. So really, whatever it is, don't piss me as I am no longer going to just keep quiet and lay numb. Eugene may be upset because I made him look as if he married a witch but honestly, when it cones to her, it has come to "whatever" with a capital W. If that is how he feels about it, I honestly don't think I ought to apologise for him feeling so. Afterall, Eugene should know me better than anyone else.
It is all about satisfaction bringing it back and I am not going to be that back seat Betty anymore. Enough of being Ms Nice which I have been miserable in. It is time I stand for myself because if I don't, I realized no one will. No one...
