Upgrade

I've received news from my new Boss in verbal that I'll be getting my upgrade.

It's funny. I am happy yet sad at the same time. And I'm half heartedly happy because I dare not even celebrate the news until I get the letter in black and white, some time in March.

That is like a goodness, 5 months from now.

Yes, I'm hanging on. But honest to God, I'm all ready mentally and emotionally to move out of my bank if this upgrade doesn't come through. I believe I have ranted about it some time before on how frustrated I am that things are not coming through for me.

Yet, there is a sense of sadness in it which I don't quite understand and, I don't even feel elated as I thought I would be now that it's coming through.

It is not that I'm ungrateful but in fact I feel that I am every bit of deserving it. Every letter of that title. Every curve, every edge and every dot that forms those alphabet that forms the words. I'm not trying to be arrogant about it. I'm not even trying to sound rebellious about it.

I just feel I so deserve it and never in the entire 35 years of my life that I can stand with such profound self esteem to openly say it out loud here in my own blog that I so deserve this.

Mind you again, I'm am not trying to show off and be arrogant about it.

In all honesty, this entire episode has been a mix of anger, frustration, pure heart and soul hard work, unrelentless proving over and above, undying not quitting-it-until-I-get it attitude, heartache and overcoming the challenges which were wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy beyond me.

It was such a bitter sweet struggle for me having to prove this much.

Sometimes I even agree with some people that life isn't fair. Why is it that some people are so lucky that they are the coincidental VP or the political VP? And they just get it with a snap of their finger, playing politics or circumstances had it that they must be given it. Why is it that they don't need to put so much of commitment, dedication and hard work as I have to get this? To top that, some people are even given it on the basis on seniority.

I supposed, to some extend, I'm one of those unlucky people who did not get to short cut my way through this and had to go through the tedious LONG traditional method to get it.

So, people like Sara, Chris, Patrick, Maggie, Josephine, and whoever else who thinks I'm not good enough as you losers are, or even better than you are, I've got to say, I have proven myself above and beyond you all on a totally unbias battle field with new set of unbias bosses and field of work. And even better still without you guys around me, I excel beyond what I am with you guys around [which just means one thing, you bunch of wankers are totally crap. You pulled me down. Literally]

There. Go. Go eat your damn words. Shoo shoo. Get loss.

I'm done talking about this. Yay! Moving on to the next chapter in my life.

Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

Live on my own all alone without a friend or anyone I know, with everyone I love dead.

 

Something I Hope To Do In My Life

Oh-la-la.

 

This is easy.

 

1. Muster yoga
2. Write many, many books and be known as a Writer, not a Banker [aiks!]
3. Live by the beach until I die
4. Own a Maserati Gran Turismo, Aston Vantage V12 and the 911 Turbo Convertible
5. Run a full marathon sub-4 hours
6. Trek Mt. Everest
7. Get a flying license
8. Open a chic florist, bookstore and tea parlor [don’t ask me why I’m calling it a ‘parlor’]
9. Complete Western and Eastern Europe, North and South America, Africa, the Polynesia and the Artic
10. Open a community centre to nourish the homeless and a place for old folks to chillout

 

10 simple enduring yet endearing hopes.

 

Heh Heh…

 

Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

This is tricky.

 

I don’t intend to forgive.

 

*smirk*

 

Because I enjoy not forgiving the person and embed that tormented feeling between us.

 

*I’m sick in the head*

 

But as I move along, I know, it is bad for me mentally. The feeling of hate infuriates even more bitterness within what a soul can already cope.

 

It’s more like somehow or rather at a point in my life, I would have no choice but to forgive this person for all that she has done to me for the sake of MY SANITY.

 

It is a matter of time.

 

And therefore, I should eventually forgive her for:

1. Ever and ever wanting to compete with me in every aspect in my life
2. Managing to be better than me in some areas which I am still struggling to accomplish [which I have not given up yet because I thoroughly believe, despite me taking it longer than her, in the long run, I would catch up in leaps and bound as I always do]
3. Being the ignorant person who feels utterly interior next to me and therefore has this ardent need to measure up with yours truly at every single juncture.
4. Copying my material purchases in practically everything I own [haha bitch, try getting a Cayman for yourself if you can afford now…]

 

As I’m typing this, my feelings are still heated when this subject comes on board. I’m not ready to forgive yet. Not until I nail her to the wall [yikes, anger, anger]. But of course, for the sake of the post, this is Something I Have to Forgive Someone For.

 

Eventually…

 

Something I Have to Forgive Myself For

It’s just one thing.

 

I should forgive myself for regretting that I didn’t treat my Daddy much better than I ought to when I was in my difficult teenage years.

 

I realized I was at the turning point with God in conversation that once Daddy recovers from this illness, he will be the world to me. As I have been to him.

 

Believe it not, I did not get the chance to do that and poof, he is gone.

 

It was my turning point in life where I vow never ever to treat anyone I love any lesser than I should, anymore.

 

I started taking efforts to build relationships, not taking them for granted, love them more, treat them better and above all, hold them very dearly to my heart.

 

This explains the reason of my attitude towards my friends and family whom I love. Ask Eugene. He will attest to it. My undying friendship and loyalty. Haha. I sound so upright and righteous. Ya, right! Muahaha.

 

On a serious note, here it is – something I have to forgive myself for.

 

 

 

Psychos

I have been giving 2 posts about my inner self for the past week or so. Something I choose to embark as a challenge to tap into me which I haven't been giving much thoughts ever since I think I have quite figured out my purpose, journey and path.

In Hope Dies Last http://hope.gr/ she has got this interesting 30 Days of Truth of fun finding facts about yourself which speaks the truth about oneself. Somehow.

Since I'm busy to the core, I have decided to take it up as and when I'm in the right frame of mind. I'm at it at No.3 - Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For.

Oh well. I was half way with this thought but figured that I have yet the courage to write it up.

Surprise. Surprise.

I mean, as much as I don't want to admit, it's actually a journey of journalling my feelings and thoughts at the moment - pain and joyful, however it maybe.

And I can't write things which I don't really believe in.

So I'm stuck at No. 3.

*smile*

I'll write it. When I get the groove moving. I promise.

I have been extremely busy to extends where I have not had time for anything but work. My late nights in the office has extended well till 3am and 12am. It's no fun having to go through the grind for this.

And so in my little heart, I vow that if the promotion gets skipped again this coming March, my Bank will need to bid me farewell. And, I mean it.

Enough is enough.

I don't even want to justify myself nor do I want to add on the fire to these entire episode to fight for what I think I deserve. I'm tired. If people still think I'm not worthy, I'm getting out there where I would be appreciated by tenfolds. That's all I'm saying. And I am pretty sure, my market share out there isn't that bad after all.

That's work.

I've also attended Eugene's cousin wedding dinner. And as usual, we meet every family member in the pack. Some nice, some not that very nice. But this time around, I am determined to make a remark on this particular cousin of Eugene whom I think has this wolf in sheep skin disguise.

Somehow, my gut feel tells me there is a psychopath living in her. This gut feel intuitive is coming very hard about it. Somehow. Of course, it is not on mere baseless experiences that I am concluding this. The very fact that I have been granted an epilogue of some of her inner secrets when she was drunk [and she may have very well forgotten about it herself], to many extends, extreme behaviors tend to click and puzzles seemed to be fitting its pieces as I observe more about her.

It's true when one says when you become the wallpaper, you see and learnt more things that you ever thought you would.

Of course, I had no choice but to meet that SOL - needless to say still fat, ugly and annoying as usual. But that's it for me. And yes, as much as I have been name calling people of being psychos, I'm pretty much myself to a certain degree.

So yes, when it comes to people like Eugene's cousin and SOL, I become mental myself. I'm ant deny my insanity over them.

I have not changed a bit about my hate for the people. I realised. It's like a habit already. Some bad habit. I still hate the same people I hate 4 years ago. Though the good news is, I haven't added on the list. It's still looming at the same number of people. Haha.

Does that mean, my mental state is now stable? Haha.

Anyway, I have of course, received some messages here and there, female supposedly ex-friends spiking my good day.

One wrote a paragraph of message in my FB telling me she realised she is no longer in my friend's list. And wondering what actually happened. Hah. THE friend who only calls when she needs help. THE friend who don't even call when she is fine and dandy with her stupid Indian man who literally takes her in as a Mistress whom she detest being one. THE friend who can't move on with her life yet consistently bitch about being a mistress.

Common. Give me a break.

Then the psycho [see, I'm using this word loosely these days] who stalked me in FB and said she loves me. Who rudely talks to me. Who rudely shakes me when I'm not talking to her. Who demands to know everything. Who still thinks she deserve a place in my friendship list despite all the demands she is imposing on me.

She wrote in another friend's status comment DEMANDING me to add her as a friend [with obvious reasons, yours truly deleted her off] then apologise to that friend having to use her comment page to get me. WTF.

Common. Give me a break.

My reaction to these unstable women?

SILENCE.

I mean, it's best to shut up and move on with life with people like this. No use talk. No use reacting.

Then my thoughts went back to infidelity. Nin is still hanging on over her issues with her husband. The last I caught her last Friday was, she has demanded for a divorce. But today, I received her message that she needs to urgently take 4 days of leave to sort the problem because something major happened between them.

I honestly hate men. For the mess they put women in. For the pain the cause. Though of course I have more guy friends than girl friends, I still empathize the ladies.

And as I give this a fair thought, I also think women who find their husband in this act has a lot to blame as well. They did create an environment and opportunity for this to happen. Though of course, to begin with, the men should not have strayed.

At the same time, I feel women should just walk out, just like Nin decided. Pain it may be. Because it's the best empowerment a woman can give herself. And for the lack of better word, the best thing she could do justice for herself.

That is the reason why I still think that stupid ex-friend of mine I mentioned earlier is a coward. She can't leave a man who has promised to leave his wife for the past 8 donkey years and still putting some form of false hope to it. Day in and day out, she feels insecure. 1/4 of the time he comes back to Malaysia to see her and fuck the shit out of her.

I mean, which men doesn't want this? Free fucks, especially when you have a wife that looks like a sumo wrestler. Then a slim and fair looking bitch watching you with open arms when you come back for a retreat. For free.

Women should just take the stance and stop the bully. And if women can just garner that, no one in this world can lay an emotional or mental threat. It's just as good as taking charge of your own life for once and stop depending on A MAN.

And most often than not, I'm sad to say 80% of the women today are still trapped in this 'ideal' family-ship world where children and husband must come in a package to equate to happiness.

Funny, we even celebrated the millenium. And most women in this era are well educated and could fend themself if they want to.

Utter rubbish.

And they compromise. Then eventually, as every normal beings would be, they feel trapped and unfulfilled, then they become psycho, then they affect their children, who then in turn, grow up becoming pretty much a psycho themselves. The vicious cycle.

See?

See how society crumbles from every dysfunctional individual? It's like Ebola. It infects.

Ya ya, who am I to judge. I am not. I'm just making statements to say women generally should learnt how to take care of themselves, not just the way she looks but emotionally, mentally and not forgetting financially. It's the only way to breath, eat and shit as equal [though never that perfectly equal, but almost there would do].

Anyway, so much for my current thoughts.

I'm feeling sober today. But I know my feelings will be back to its ecstatic self once I wear my make up, fit into those heels, get into those lovely clothes and face the world again tomorrow.

If you are a woman, and reading this, I hope you would savor some of these. I don't think I have gotten it much wrong than I should so, take care please. Always be a babe. Always be standing tall, not for anyone but yourself.

That's half the battle won...

Things I Love About Myself

Things I love about myself.

 

What really?

 

Physically? Mentally? Emotionally?

 

Physically – I love my shoulders, very well defined back, a pair of boobies that could carry a nice piece, my curves that could definitely carry any evening dress hands down and my lips.

 

Mentally – My brains. Not that I’m a genius but I think I could think pretty well. Haha. So I love it’s uncanny ability to digest information and process them into the most unexpected way of presentation, at my whims and fancy, any time. I also love my unrelated ability to think something through if I want to and get some answers to it, somehow, stupid the answer may sound, but never out of the world or illogical.

 

And I have this knack to pick the precise words for the precise moment, feelings and thoughts.

 

Then comes, my optimism and determination.

 

Emotionally – Humanity. Sometimes, I can get a little ‘over’ with it. I like that piece of me because whenever I get off the reins, my humanity reminds me about humility.

 

Passionate. I am passionate with all the things choose to embark or embrace as part of my life. I’m even so passionate about love and hate. Haha.

 

Sentimental. I’m a hopeless romantic beyond words can describe but most often than not, I don’t like showing this side of me because generally people take advantage of it. And if I don’t get reciprocation about it, I tend to lay it low because I don’t want to scare people with it. Though of course, I would love to one day, find my match. Haha. And I’m sentimental of course. Over pretty much everything I do, say and believe. Just me. Mum used to say I’m overly sensitive. It’s because I’m sentimental mum!

 

Driven. About my passions, work and life. Because I don’t think people should waste a minute regretting, grieve or feeling suicidal. Life’s too short and it’s only once. So it’s worth putting meaning to it.

 

There, pretty much it. At the top of my mind. I didn’t dwell in depth… though.

 

Things I Hate About Myself

Most often than not most people haven't much they hate themselves about. They seemed to have more things they hate about other people.

Then we have people who hate themselves in multiple degrees where they either 1. do something about it so they will eventually love themselves or 2. Continue hating themselves and keep bitching about it, so to speak.

Which reminds me about myself.

How much I hated being that wallpaper when I was a teenager, never been looked, needless to say, never been admired. Never been bothered by boys [Except mostly the ones that doesn't fancy me or there is something wrong with them]. Haha.

Then I hated my condition. Hated that I had no money to travel the world. And the freedom to do as I please. Though in my deepest thought, it was no fault of my family I was not born with a silver spoon.

I hated also I had no money to be as fashionable as the then kids. I hated that I could not look as good. I hated that I always had to compromise. I hated that I always had to worry about mummy's expenses when I so badly wanted that pair of LA gear sneakers or even that carrot cut stone washed jeans.

I hated the fact that I can't hang out with the rest of the fun people. I hated that I had to stay home to study and ended up reading countless classics stashed in the storeroom, where no one wants them anymore.

I remember also I hated my friends that my mum prefers. I hated myself for not being able to defend my stance on my preference because my mum's ideals were never mine. I hated the fact that I always condone to her wishes out of filiality despite being unhappy about it.

And so I grew up eagerly wanting to breakaway from all that I hate. I had it figured that all I needed first and foremost is a sound education, decent job to get by and I would eventually change my world.

As I threaded, I hated myself for being week emotionally and mentally. I hated that I was raised in such a cocooned world that my survival instincts were not as shrewd and fast as those around me.

I hated that I allowed them to hunt, hurt and burnt me. I hated myself to be effected by their selfishness, arrogance and manipulation. I hated myself for being stupid and weak.

At the same time, I hated myself for being so ambitious. Because it is those ambition that I have no choice but to endure and learn from the mistakes and bully.

I also hated myself and still hate for being stubborn. Insistent, and lack of a better word, unrelenting. It is these qualities that equates my constant struggle and to some extend resulted a stone hard cold, indifferent me.

But it is these hates that prevail me against everything else.

But in return of the changes I have made to my life, I now have new hates about myself.

I hate being able to hate deeply. I hate being able to live by hate which harness my fire to prove myself over my worthiness to whoever or whatever. I hate that as always I will hold it to the very end, in triumph and then ensuring I mince the challenger to grains and that it never ever would dare come near me again.

I hate myself for the talent with words. Because I have known to be ruthless and unforgiving with them. I have hurt and killed goodness with them.

I hate myself for not allowing people space to treat me lesser. I hate myself for the ability to discard such people so conveniently out of the window the moment I feel betrayed. I hate myself for being able to do it without a bat and could live and sleep through like it was nothing more than a speck of dust.

I hate myself when I could love deeply as much as I hate deeply.

I hate myself that I could laugh heartily yet cry painly.

I hate myself that I have grew up compromising perfection. I hate myself even more that I now have resentments, towards people and things.

I hate myself for hating these... :-)