My NYE

Here I am crouching on my ultimate bed in the comforts of my room typing this piece via my iPhone. What am I doing, slumped on my bed, typing in my blog on a new year eve when half the world is painting the town red and pink, waiting for the ticking of the clock to strike midnight to usher a new year.

Let me say, I'm in pain. I am trying to get over my period cramps despite the doses of Panadols (which normally works wonder but at this point, I am in doubt if the pills are fakes- once upon a time the authorities busted a syndicate that distributed Panadols made of tapioca flour! Malaysia Boleh!) so here I am... Fighting for my comfort, instead of being in the crowd of enthusiastic count downers.

But life is such, life doesn't deliberate when it happens, when it wants to rob you off your life or when it wants to bestow goodness. Life just go on. Time is never it's worry, nor concern. It just goes.

So when you actually take heed of it, you do know life is indeed momentous because it does not account for emotions, sentiments or humanity. It just work.

Ok, this is what happens when someone gets philosophical at the turn of a new year.

Today, my spirits are simmering with all kinds, pain, relieve, hope, sighs and lots of faith. As I have said in my previous post, 2009 has been full of reflective moments so much so I am relief to move on into a new phase. And shall I say, I am in the opinion that it has been great and not great depending on the perspective I choose to view it to be. Haha... So yes 2009 has been filled with extreme good and extreme bad. Wonderful.

But alas, looking back not. It is time to look forward as it is in every beginning, so to speak.

Till then, let me reprieve from my pain, appreciate my health every other day which I am free of anguish, and hope, just hope for everything better... Hastalavista people!

I have this tingling feeling this will happen:
1. Cayman will come in Jan or Feb
2. I will be climbing Mt KK in Mar or Apr
3. I will go for my diving refresher in Jan or Feb

Elated.

I Shed Tears

Today is another day.

I got my answer. And I am satisfied. I need to work on everything I have not. And that would fix things up. And yes, I need the time. Time is the essence.

Things are not as bad a I portrayed it to be but sometimes, we humans tend to get overly emotional about it and that is when it eats me up to certain extend.

Sometimes I do take pity of myself. Sometimes, I accept defeat and allow myself to succumb to weakness. Sometimes.

And this is one of those sometimes.

I shed several drop of tears as I drove to work today. For many reasons.

I felt sorry for myself that I allow people to affect me to this extend. I mean, when I thought it through it all, I realized that the root of my disappointment was because I wanted to prove myself to that Cow that no matter what in life, I am far better than her. Far, far, far better than her that I refuse to even budge in ANYTHING there is in life to compare, just to prove the point.

And, I have to admit, I stoop that low to compete with her. I wanted everything I have to be better than her so I could just kill her spirit. I don't even want to kill her physically, I just want to kill her soul. Sick as I may sound.

And, I have to admit, that is the extend of my hate for her. That is the extend she has encourage me to hate her. That is the extend also I have allowed her to feel for her.

And, I have to admit, despite my treacherous feeling about and over her, just because I have failed in my career in being better than her in position, I feel I have been utterly defeated. So defeated.

And, I have to admit, this defeat is so hard to stomach. So fucking hard to swallow.

I felt sorry for myself that I have to admit defeat again this year. Yes, despite this one last piece I needed. Otherwise, I have it all against her. Greedy isn't it? It is. It always is when it comes to her.

I felt sorry also that I feel sorry for myself for such a small thing. But I can't help my weak soul. No doubt as everything there is in life, I can't win it all, but with her? I want it all. As wise words would aptly put it, "It would also kill you" but I just don't think I have to take heed because the day I attain it, it is the day that victory is sweeter than even that 40% of increment. Or that awesome bonus I have been bestowed every year.

Eugene will not understand this. Because Eugene is far open hearted than this. Eugene is far smarter than this. Eugene is stronger than all this. So Eugene will never get it and feel what I am feeling. And for that, I will not even try to make him understand.

It’s that spiritual feeling of fulfillment. Call me competitive. Call me kiasu. Call me ungrateful. Call me greedy. Call me whatever names but I know myself better. This piece would say it all. It's like hammering the last nail to the coffin.

And so, I shed the tear because I realized in some ways, God doesn't want me to feel this way. He, the Great one thinks this is far too small hearted, too thrifty, too evil. And so, I believe, I will never get this promotion until the day I pay my dues and have an open heart.

And so I shed the tear.

I shed the tear to comfort myself that, as Adrian reminded me, I have already better than her in everyway as it already except this, so I just needed to give this one victory to her. Just one. And I don't have the choice. So why should I fret something I am not given a choice?  

Of course, deep down, somewhere in the corner of my heart, I wanted the promotion as a recognition but as far as I am concern, this is actually the least of my worry. That is in fact, the least of my concern though I kept harping on the fact that it matters to me, whole heartedly.

No, this wasn't the net true reason for me feeling this. I wanted the promotion to prove her a point.

Shallow. And so I shed the tear.

No one would understand this competitive thingy until he/she meets a person that is always taking measure of you. In every sense. While I have a choice to ignore her, but there is so much I could. I am after all human. I am after all related to her. At some juncture of time, I still get brushed over her insecurities {to measure up to me} though in a lot of sense, I have been laying silence and trying to be indifferent.

I'm not proud to say I allowed her to affect me but there is so much of a strength I could harness to mask it off. Or should I say, there is so much of a big heart I could muster to pull this through.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this anymore. Anyone who reads this would be wondering, why? Why Verniela, of all the people in this world who lives life or believes to be living life is actually succumbing to something so utterly thrifty?

I guess, by end of the day, this person here who still have a piece of a heart hasn't got it all open yet. I still don't have a big heart after all. I still fail to take no heed over a person who work tirelessly to be better than me.

Psychologically, I am comforted on the fact that I am that awesome that she needs to follow my foot steps but, I don't need people following me to even extend of sunglasses and handbags for Chris' sake. That is my point.

But, I'm going to take my time on this and fret not to have an open heart. I just hope when one day comes, and I dread that day, I will not need to tell her off on her face in front of everyone else.

After all… I'm. Only. Human.

Down

I'm down.

Though I have been down on even worst days with far worst feeling, the fact of the matter is I am down.

My therapy is writing. Or rather blogging.

My strength comes from every other day that I am willing to still thrive and move. My courage comes from my choice to still go on, fixing what is broken or needs to be strengthen.

I realized, my worst enemy is with people who stirs nothing but indifference and insincerity. Especially when these traits were flashed over to me. Like a lightening strike on my head.

I've been reminded why I sail far from people in general. Why I never take stock too much of being close to many people but the far few friends that I have. That handful only.

Because deep down, I know, this weak soul could only hold that much of heart sick and disappointment. I could only handle that much.

It all started when the person I pretty much find annoying told me about the fact of the matter about my work. The thing that disappointed me was the fact that as his usual no balls, he said he is VERY happy with my work. Very happy with my everything at work and no complains.

But, no promotion.

Just about 1 year ago, I remember sitting in front of him, asking him what would it take to get there.

And one year later, he said no promotion because my big boss is not agreeable.

And so, it is made to look that my big boss IS THE ONE who doesn't agree. And he added on that, if it were for previous my boss, the situation would have be different. Oh, so now it is putting the blame entirely on the boss.

Great.

Then he went on to say, big boss is worried about me with the new portfolio. Like what the hell would they allow me if they are worried I cannot handle?

It just does not make sense.

Then, he said, big boss wanted to just give me a "within standards" ranking but he reminded boss of the additional efforts I've put in throughout the year and thus, he relented to "above standards."

The mother of irony, when mid term review was on, he gave me the same shit that he is very happy with my work and all, yet, I am subjected to "within standards" at initial thoughts?

Common.

Then, he went on to say, now that I am pretty much at the maximum of my level salary band, I am to be ready for ZERO increment.

Is it my fault that I am being remunerated for my hard work? And is it my fault that no one comes to tell me that in order for me to move to the next level (so I won't be stuck in the rut as this is), I need to do this, this and this because I am stuck here, nether here or there.

I mean, if I am subjected to zilch increment, zilch promotion, then what use am I to work additional harder?

It just as well that I just do the least I am required and be done with it.

It's just a simple logical equation.

And so, I am planning to meet my boss and speak to him over my concern, whatever crap he is going to shower me, I will see and decide.

Sometimes, I really wish these people can stop taking me for a fool. It does not mean that when a person is not a bitch in a office, she can be taken for a wonderful ride of lies.

While the choice is in my hands, I will work through on this one and we will see. We will see.

As It Is Now

I realized my mood has been horrendous for the past few days and I was asking myself why? Why the irritation? I need to rationalize my feelings because picking on things and harboring on it isn't all good. Plus, we are moving on to 2010. I don't want to feeling shitty at the beginning of the year.

Then I realized,
1. when people has been unjustly towards me, it is THAT that pisses me - the story about my leave and people keeping me off tangent at work

2. I don't want to be spending my time with other people's family like I did last year. I mean, NYE is supposed to be filled with fun and joy, not killjoys and yawns

And so,
1. I'm ignoring some people at work who has pissed me
2. Got it arranged with Eugene that, any way or another, we won't be wasting time with people's family. To the extend that I am even willing to stick to join Eugene and friends in Finns. Yeah. On second thoughts, if the day comes and I am not into counting down at the pub, I don't mind staying home, writing, drawing, painting or reading. So long I am not made to spend time with people who are irrelevant.

Yay!

I re-read my work about Keith and Lisa. I decided to stop. I still think they are no where near "5 Stories in KL" as I have brought up quite a bit of character into the ladies. Keith and Lisa are as shallow as most of the KL people. It's sad. So, goodbye Keith and Lisa. Got to let you guys go. *wink*

All in all, I've got to continue with 5 Stories in KL and Shanice. The essence of these 2 is strong enough to get a book that's worth it's salt. I think. I believe.

Focus.

Then I have decided to start drawing and painting again. I mean, the illustrations have been on for awhile already now {and I have been getting the 'awww' and 'wow'} but I think I want to expand my horizon where I am all there is. I mean, as a person who does it without sweat {illustrations are easy peasy pieces for me at this point as it doesn't warrant 200% perfection. I mean, how would anyone cringe if one eye is smaller than the other with illustration? Or when the arm or leg looks funny? Anything goes with illustration. Like you can tell a lie believing it to be without blinking and everyone will go with it. That's illustration to me}.

I know my strength and weakness. I know what I can do without much effort and what I literally struggle {like yesterday, my fairy girl, pretty much turn to look like a fairy lady, then fairy Ah Kua, then fairy hooker. I mean, common…. It's supposed to be all sweet and innocent, why am I turning her into some bitch? See what I mean about working on my weakness instead of strength? Haha...} So I'll just work on with what I am most good at. And we will see what comes out of it in 2010. Though I am going to take my time on this one like I have on my writings and running.

They have taken and brought me abundance of indescribable joy and I'm just going to do that.

Of course I still need to stay on track with my running and yoga.

Ah, yoga. Where have I stashed you? I badly in need of you to pave me back to sanity and peace. Even my yoga mat has gone all slippery. I almost loss my grip just doing downward dog. Hehe…

Of course with plans to run the half marathon again, the glucosamine dose has to increase until the pain is totally off. I need to get that perfected or near perfection before I start training hard. Like there is no tomorrow. *grin*

Anyway, as I was typing this, here comes the irritant. Asking me when my staff could get the analysis ready. And the mother of all irony, my boss is back and he came to see me about it early this morning. When I told him the intricacy of things and the need for time on this, he totally understood and did not push hard to get it delivered by today. See what I mean when it comes to understanding the importance and priority of things? God forbid.

I guess, it's time that I stop expecting. It's time I stop having standards for people who doesn't have on themselves. Or on people who can't live up to mine. {I sound such a big snob} Because if I don't stop having such feelings, it irritates me when I have expectations. And what use is that? I'm killing myself only. And it affects my looks {now what vain pot I am}.

It's just like my aunty who is often upset with her husband and sons who fail to do the things the way she wants it to be. She gets all fired up and starts nagging all the way to Moscow. What use?

Anyway, let me write something I have in mind later. Something about Whitney, my aunty, my mum, my friend, my granny and all. I need to touch on that. Laterz.

I'm Done

There are people that fills your life with so much love, yet there are people that fills your life with so much loathe. Life is about choices. Choose who you want to be - Verniela

===============

I meant this for several people I know. And I hope they read this real clear in FB. But being their thick skin nature, I am in doubt if they know I am talking about them.

But nevermind, I have said my peace.

And as I have told Janie, let's move on. NEVER LOOK BACK.

It's done. Finale. Full stop. Period. Stop re-living those moments that made you crumble, piss or hate. It won't change anything, anymore.

I want 2010 and the years to be sugar and spices. Blue skies and rainbows. Buttercups and sunshines. This is where I am setting my sail besides of course, that resolution of being cucumber cool.

Afterall, for people who has not been fair to me or unjustly, there is such thing call karma in this world. Watch out. And when that happens, I will try not to glee *evil*

I'm so done with 2009. I'm so done even with that particular person who has pissed and irritated me time and time again in office. Even with that aunty who got so insecure over my transfer. Even with that 2 persons who think wholly of himself that money and status is partically everything in life.

Good luck people. I'm so done with you all. Amen.

Xmas Eve

Here I am, blasting music in my ears, as if the party to the year end has begun but here I am physically, in the vicinity of the office, doing the least which is important (nothing is urgent at this point in time more so when there is is a countable 10 of us in the office). Of course, if Eugene knows about this, he will be telling me to ask my boss to hitch a hike and apply for a leave on a Christmas Eve. More so that my entire family is down in KL, celebrating Christmas together.

Of course, to begin with, let's not get about the issue of taking leave.

Way back when it is the right time to plan for leave, some people refuse me leave and eventually at the turn of November when every reservation is fully taken up, he decides to exchange his leave so he would be seen to be doing everyone else called peers and bosses alike in the department a favor by being around. I mean, much as I have to admit, I am still bitching over this episode ever since I knew about the change.

Simply because people fail to realize that their action and decision affects other people. And to hell they care because I don't represent nor have any influence to his career, increment, performance, bonus or even ranking.

Honest to God, I'm so looking forward to 2010. Because finally, I have had enough of this crap and I am moving on. I don't really care if the other side is as equally shitty but all I want is a fresh field of meadow. Whether the grass there is greener or all dried up and brown, I am indifferent.

But of course, someone can ask me, why don't I just take this 1 day off because at this point, it isn't matter anymore.

My take, why waste my precious day since I have already not plan for anything? Leaves to me are as precious as diamond stones are to miners.

I mean, I have got so much things on in 2010 that's worth my leave taking. So, save!

I'll be off early anyway, so it is fine.

Family dinner will be on and I am so looking forward. Unlike those 'family' dinner I generally am force to attend 3/4 of the time where people have HER family over with nothing to talk about. This is MY family, where we share practically everything fun. Yay!

I'm just trying to figure out NYE's stuff because I don't want to be spending like last year - baby sitting a bunch of old folks in the karaoke room. Obviously, with HER family cramping the entire space {like where are her extended family's children? Like why are we the ones spending time with them instead?} So, I think, we should go somewhere nice for food, then proceed to chill somewhere nice not called clubs, lounges or with sweltering heat of human bodies. Yay!

What Sort of Friends

This is one of those ego post because I'm feeling quite egoistical today.

I realized that most often than not the people around me, and more so people that becomes close to me as friends even, need to have this certain degree of attitude about them. Along with virtues. Along with panache in their very own right.

In short, I feel I could only relate to people with an identity, be it whatever.

Which explains why, I have only a handful of friends which I could gel perfectly well.

I've come to realized I demand people to keep me going as much as I keep them going. And if this fails, the friendship / relationship gets broken. And most often than not, I ended up leaving people behind to continue dwelling with their lives which I don't want to be part of. Mainly for reason that I don't want to be part of their sordid journey that they stubbornly choose to lead.

I know. I sound very selfish. Very picky. Very bitchy. Very arrogant. Very judgmental.

But this is the truth.

Only interesting people intrigues me to a friendship. Only people who fills me in with their lives keep me interested being friends because they keep me going. Not because I want to be part of their life and cramp their style (which most posers do).

It simply is that, such people indirectly remind me to live my life, my way, my style. And they always have things to share - good or bad, happy or sad. And that's living.

So I'm really sorry people, if I have ditched any friendship / relationship we used to have. I'm not saying I'm too good for you. I'm saying I need a life and I thrive on friendships / relationships that makes me want to have a life.

Because, fundamentally, that is what I really am all about - living life. Arrogant it may sound.

Forgive and Forget

At the corner of my mind lingers the fact that it is year end and all should be tapering if not taking a breather, forgiven and forgotten.

Yet, these words resonates fact of the matter about me as an individual who has not been able to forgive and forget to a selection of people. Despite the feeling, the Marilyn Monroe attitude of me provokes me not to bother about so because there is more to life than holding dearly to a Sainthood attitude of forgiving and forgetting.

I mean, why force yourself to feel that way just because everyone says it sets you free? And why force when you don't feel like forgiving and forgetting? So why, bother trying something you don't feel like doing after all?

It says here, it's good for the soul.

So is exercise and enough sleep. Yet, people still don't do it.

See what I mean.

And therefore, Verniela has decided, this quote is just irrelevant. It just wants you to make the world a better place and in hope that everyone would.

So sometimes, in a mood like this, I question the fact of the matter that why don't those selection of people stop competing with me, stop being an ultra selfish cow or stop being a motherfucker opportunist?

It's like, why don't North Korea stop being what they are so other countries need not build nuclear in order to defend themselves if ever there is a need.

Forgiving and forgetting is just like not building your own nuclear for those rainy days. Because it just goes to say, you are letting go all defense. Thus if it comes a day where your guard is down, there it goes again, those mother fuckers come charging with the ridiculous fucking attitude so they will feel great about themselves at the expense of you.

Forgiving and forgetting is basically not
1. being ignorant to what they do {because when you like people, you care} or say and,
2. being indifferent to their existence {so they still stop irritating the you}

So how can it be that, someone don't put on these fences of defense so just not to get yourself unnecessarily hurt, piss or irritated?

The world is no longer all buttercups and sunshine or sweet almond and honey pie or rainbows and butterfly. Though of course, we can choose to believe there is always silver lining to every cloud and love is all that it takes. There is of course, such occasion too. I am positive.

But at the same time, what I am saying is, we people still needs to take care of ourselves of evil people who are always out there to get something for themselves which may cause you grieve and total unwarranted anxiety.

So what better way but to build your ground of defense and then enjoy your life to the max taking no heed of them in whatsoever way. Which, ultimately boils down to the fact that, you just don't need to forgive and forget.

There, I've justified myself for not doing it. So, stop telling me how to lead my life. Face reality.

Office Crap

So much of returning to the office and here I am starting to feel the pinch of annoyance this person who is supposedly to be someone I look up to. Someone I could run to when I am in trouble. Someone I can rely for advice and guidance when I am loss. Someone I could trust. And someone I know, would give me a great pinch of salt that I need every now and then. But, that's all "supposedly."

Over the course of 3 years, I have manage to totally understand this person and I have manage to see through him. And I am sad to conclude that I do not feel what I should. It is sad.

And continually whenever I feel this annoyance, I try my very best to look at all his better points just to be fair to him. But in a totally unfortunate circumstance, the very elements and principles which I hold dearly while thriving in this corporate world are his weaknesses I see so visibly every other day and every other time I interact with him. So the net of it all, the weaknesses overrides all the strengths there is left.

In all honesty, I cringe at the thought of working anything out with him because it is always me that ends up doing everything else and it is him by end of the day who gets the glory. To even make matters worst, 8/9 of the time he doesn't know how I do it and yet, he still gets the glory.

Time and time again, he treats us like his secretary, printing for him pages over pages of bloody e-mails which he fail to read {or claimed to have read but doesn't really know what really is the content - apparently}. Apparently, we have raise this issue but when the urgency arises and he is lack of the efficiency of searching for 'that' email, he makes us kill more trees just for his convenience.

This is just one example.

When I returned from my week long leave, I realized, he has waited for my return to commence an urgent and important job. There was Wednesday and Thursday to start working before my return yet, nothing has been done.

So just yesterday when I was clearing and catching up for loss time, he popped at my cubi, telling me there is something very urgent and important to be done AND he will walk through with me after lunch. He was muttering some need for this and that. And I totally gave him the benefit that he KNOWS WHAT EXACTLY is required.

When I went to him after lunch to confirm, I got this crap:

1. Print for him the entire gist of the e-mail communication pertaining this exercise because he didn't really read what is required

2. Not very sure what really is required when I questioned him on the term 'marginal'
3. Had the cheek to ask one of my colleagues, what he knows by the term 'marginal' and tried making some guess about it --> I gave THE look and asked if really that is what big boss meant. And all he could say in defense is when boss explained to him what he required last week, boss was in a hurry and he didn't question too much. Common man!

4. Ask me if I know how to do it
5. Then proceed with asking me how am I doing to do it
6. When could I complete it
7. Insist I get it done by the time the big boss returns next week
8. Finally, he said he will send a mail to boss to ensure we are all looking at the right and same thing.

Today:
1. Ask me if boss reverted with an email on those questions we poised --> as if he doesn't have his own email to check {and see what I meant by not paying attention to his emails}

2. Wonders why boss is taking so long to revert --> Harlo??? Boss is on official leave and he is like 1/4 away around the globe from us. Plus, he sent the email at 7.42pm last evening!!!

As I am typing this, the email arrive from boss. Apparently, what he assumed was not what it was supposed to be!!!

See what I mean? See? I am not supposed to get this kind of crap from someone who has the right to rank me. Who has the right to decide on my increment and bonus. And who has the right to guide and reprimand me.

I really think life is playing a big joke on me. Somehow.

Reflection

I don't know what made me decide to write this piece. Maybe it is out of boredom and hope. Boredom because, I am babysitting the part-time cleaner who is now cleaning my bathroom, hope because I am hoping the rain would stop the very second the cleaner leaves and thus, I can go for a short run.

I need my dose of sanity. Running.

Anyway, I actually wanted to write this because after reading one of the blogs I frequent, it did make me look back to pretty much my live since my teenage years.

Mine has been pretty much a roller coaster. And I am sure, there is much more to tell as I age, gracefully I hope.

But before I even begin, I need to say 2009 has been a very reflective year. I don't know why in particular but circumstances over circumstances has probed me to look back. Though it has come to a point where I was extremely tired of looking back and wanted life to just give me a break from looking backwards, I somehow could not help it. As most people would already know by now, there is nothing much I can do with what has been done and said. Good or bad.

All is not loss however. In the midst of reflection, I learnt quite a bit about myself. So much so that it reaffirms myself more than I thought I already knew. And I also started to understand some stuff which I never understood about. I actually saw the link to what I am today.

So, the net of it all, it was a self discovery year filled with internalization of rainbow emotion. And now that I am about to reach my mid-thirties {God, time flies doesn't it?} and be qualify for Veteran Category in those running races {Sharks, and just when I thought it would take me ages to come to this point in life once upon a time} I have finally come to jigsaw all the missing bits I have left behind, good and bad during my years of chasing wilderness.

2009 caught me at helo because, ever since my Dad was gone when I was 15, I have hardly looked back {coupled with Eugene's believe that I shall not grieve for any bitter sadness because I deserve better than that, which is utterly sweet of him}. In fact, the only occasion I reflected were reliving the harsh moments we, mum, Danny and I go through when Dad was deteriorating by the day. And that reflections were only during time like Dad's death anniversary or somewhere along that line.

Having these said, I want to say that, I have indeed, come very, very far. I shall not entirely say I am super proud of what I have today but I daresay I am proud of who I am. Essentially, I have come to a point to be who I want to be at this age. So, that pretty much says it all.

Now, moving on, we will just go and continue moving on. Life is indeed awesome.

Being A Lady And Monday

Here I am, sitting in a nail bar. It has been a good 2 hours, just getting these toes perfected. It's insane how we ladies can just sit like some Maharani on the comforts of the cushiony bulky sofa and be served.

I mean, there has got to be a limit for this. Where is the ache in the butt and shoulders? Back? This over sitting kills the life of me.

On second thoughts I don't think I am very much of a prim and proper lady that could just be pampered like a lame goose waiting to be butchered. After awhile of sitting, there will be 2 choices - lie down or start walking.

The irony of it all, I fail to do great pedicures to myself so it is always that I end up being in the nail bar to fix those nails.

There is something about toe nails, feet and being a lady, in my humble opinion. Just like a well trimmed pubic, shaven armpit and in place hair. Missing one of these, blonde I may sound, I do feel less of a female, honestly, like I've forgotten to wash my down-there kinda feeling. Ok, I know, I shouldn't get into such details...Haha...

Anyway, enough of these Girly stuff. Tomorrow is Monday and I am starting to feel the depression creeping. While I can fantastically get back with my tip top looks of a corporate babe, if that is how some people put it, it's the fact that I'm getting back to the office walls that dulls me.

The stuff I enjoy going to work is getting the chance to dress up a little bit, look good a little bit, keeping my brains working a little bit and then, get paid for these little bit of this and that by the 25th of every month.

It's actually quite a good deal.

Of course, I also get paid to endure annoying assholes, selfish bastards, tolerate egoistical tantrums, kiasu bitches and bastards who is worried I will be better than them thus, take away their glory {which I still can't figure out how and why} and learn new things pretty much everyday.

Not too bad I should say.

Plus, I'll be working 4 days this week and another 4 days the coming week. And then just another 3 days only before I get my ass to Beijing.

Wonderful.

I can't ask for more, can I?

Infidelity - Salad of Thoughts

Disclaimer: There are many things in life that I hold to, with and on opinions but that is because I am taught by my big boss that, with the nature of my job, I MUST have an opinion. Nevertheless, whether I choose to exercise my opinion to actions and thoughts, it is altogether a different matter.

As in most cases, I choose to stay indifferent, simply not because I'm incapable of liking / disliking but for the mere respect of the other being for their choice. That is all.

Now, about Infidelity.

To much of my amazement, there are hoards of people around me, close and not close are indulging in such act. So much so, that it makes me wonder, who else does not in today's day and age? Like who else is all clean with pureness of straight forward relationship. Faithful and all.

It seems to me that life these days or era {if that is how some posh people wishes to call it} takes no heed of sincerity and honestly. It seemed to me that lust has over ridden by climbing on the head of sincerity and shit on it, big time.

Or was it that, I am now finally at the age where the truth of life has finally come out of the closet and is flashing me rudely about reality?

Am I right to say, this phenomenon has been going on for the longest of time in life, ever since my forefathers and that, it is a no wonder at all that now I am old and mature, it is time that such happens to people around me, near and afar?

I was thinking. My granny lamented about my grandpa's ways of having women 'outside' as they Chinese call it. And this was way, back in the 40s. Plus, it happened to my grand uncles who eventually had few wives and the story goes.

So, it goes to tell to many extend that, it has been on all these while, and it is just that. I am convinced that my life have been wrapped with all sugar and spice, cotton candy and floss throughout my rather 'comfortable' and 'protective' journey. And that, I have missed the point.

But why?

Why has it got to be that men or even women can't just stay put with just their other half they have chosen to be?

I am well aware that there are various circumstances that spouts infidelity and even more so when either the man (more so) or woman (lesser so) is financially well off.

Somehow this monetary factor seemed to be the general root to infidelity {yes, I use the word general} and it has been going on for the longest time.

Rich men, generally scores women. Young and old. Alike.

It then wonders me if really, we, women, are that cheap after all? Is life that terribly tough that we need to be the 'other' person in the person's life just to enjoy some share of his/her wealth?

Is wealth that ever important that a simple man / woman can't just do without? Would it be not enough to live in a humble home, comfortable things to have and life goes one, tra-la-la?

It's sad to acknowledge reality. More so about this. More so when I realised that the other half who is often the ever faithful one is left hanging high and dry by the end of the day. Like, what has he/she done to deserve that? And yes, I am echoing the exact words said by people I deeply know so well.

It's sad. It's even tragic if you want to put it.

On the other hindsight, there are infidelity due to lust and/or love. And I do wonder where has that gone wrong? Don't love last a lifetime or was love accidentally interpreted wrongly during courtship? Or was it later realised that there was another person who after all showers better love?

So what now?

Are we then to be trapped in a triangle love? And live life just as it is? Or keep seeking for a better love? And keep going on and on and on about it?

It's funny and ironic at the same time.

So at this juncture, I guess that is where religion takes its place to govern the chaos in this life. Chaos of we beings, who are never satisfied with just what we have, us being, who are just always asking for more than what we are already blessed. To much extend, it amplifies the very reason the need for religion.

And yes, I surprise myself by concluding this. Of all the people in this world, I conclude we need some form of religion to govern our insanity, our greed, our lust and our desire.

But I am not saying it is totally wrong. I choose to believe and understand the reason for a person's infidelity. But who am I to conclude? It is not I has any right to sanction the 'right' or 'wrong'. It's God.

Yeah, while I am a free thinker as it gets, I still believe there is somehow this thing / being / spirit called God who we would be accountable our actions for. Or if one does not believe in God, there is the circle of life that balances out every action to some equal reaction. And so it does come back to every single individual for the things he/she does. Like it or not, it's not a choice when it gets return. The choice only came at the strike of every individuals action.

Simple.

But if infidelity is to take its course, I would only think, it is right to ensure the other half does not get hurt over it. In fact, it would be all best, it doesn't get known and have it all buried 20 feet under, firmly into the ground, never ever to be known. Because for one's action, one ought to be accountable for, and thus, it should rightfully not be upon the innocent ones.

Of course, people who believe in Karma would say, Karma happens to families as well so if one believes in it, it just goes to say, don't do anything that would hurt anyone. Somehow, every action ought to be a conscious thought.

So at the end of it all, there is no end to the rights or wrongs of infidelity. It is how a person perceived it to be. How one would choose to live life and take count of this 'piece' of indulgence. And how one would learn to be happy just going on about with life, with that piece at the back of his / her head every now and then. It's just that, and karma.

As Shakespeare has once said, "Nothing is right or wrong, only thinking makes it so." It has to be. Along with Karma dancing graciously...

Sensors And Me

I have always blame the inefficiency of Nikko hotel's sliding door. It's insensitive. I always thought their sensor ought to be more than 10 years old and thus it can't detach my presence even when I am 1 metre away from the door.

Then I blamed Citibank's sliding door. These days it takes me almost face flat before it decides I am immortal enough to let me through.

Then now it happen to the hotel I was putting up in Singapore.

This definitely has got to do with me, can't be most of the sliding doors.

Then when I was at the hotel gym yesterday, it sure beats me. The screen sensor treadmill just could not read my fingers. It made me look so stupid, as if I didn't know how to use it. I even had to ask the gym staff to help me out {and they must be wondering, wtf is wrong with this girl}.

Honestly, I tried warming up my fingers, wiping them with the towels hoping it'll make a difference and tried every 5 finger tips I have, but no screen wants to take any note of these fingers.

I am beginning to wonder if I am actually living. Hahah... and these days, I'm practically not afraid of chilling cold air nor furnace hot heat. Very unlike me in a lot of way...

Or my body is such a twig that sensors can detect. Yeah right, when the weighing scale just said I weight 54kg. !!!

Must be the technology and the being, me... doesn't really jive I suppose...heheh.

10 Things About The Lion City

Stuff I observe in Singapore:
1. It's a city where walking is a mandatory, one of the places that I really walk quite a bit besides Europe. I lamented to Pete that if I ever live in Singapore, I trust myself to be all lean and strong.

2. Half the eateries don't give out free serviettes or tissues, and they are pretty adamant about it. Hokay...

3. 3/4 of the service industry is infested with Filipinos, out of that, 1/2 them I've interacted thusfar isn't that all pleasant, something about the air they carry. Maybe they have forgotten they are in other people's country or simply Philippines aren't that full mannered.

4. Toilets are super clean - one of my favourite thing being about in Singapore

5. Everything is no fun when you observe the currency exchange... Argh!

6. Working people in general dresses well, more hunks and chicks here I mean.

7. It's too orderly for my liking, tho it makes living great.

8. There are definitely more Mat Sallehs here than back home

9. Everything about Singapore is malls and malls and malls. Pretty much a material city. Which, reminds me of someone.

10. There are far more Lambos, Maseratis and Audi in Singapore than home

People Just Fail

I don't think I would even want to justify myself for the things I embark and choose, that is within my choice. I don't think I need to do that. Someone said I am not even savvy with numbers, something which isn't my talent, and hence I should not dwell into it. I'm so tired of having to explain the reason. So I just have it said, I'm enjoying myself. Which, is the basic truth and enough to keep one shut.

This goes to show, how much people think they know about me.

People fail hear my side of the story all the time. People just want their opinion heard. People just want to believe what they choose to believe. All from their observation, their believes.

And, this tires me. It tires me a lot. And so, it has come to a point in life that I have choose to stop explaining, stop trying to make anyone understand from my point. Unless, they ask. Ask me at my face.

Such is life.

And because of that, I am saying it is people who will lose out about knowing the truth. It is people that would always miss the point.

Such is life.

Well, I am ready to talk about infidelity today and I think I'm going to say this is what I have concluded and gathered throughout all the many conversations with the few individuals. In the next post. Because I foresee a VERY long one.

On the other topic of things, I have to say if there is one thing I dislike, it would be definitely 'negativity.' My conversation with someone today about people leaving the office and their take on people seemed to be filled with nothing but negative comments. And while the person professes of open mindedness, open this and open that, it has come to a point that I realize it's just 'I believe I am such' about the supposedly perception she has been trying to build around the people that surrounds her. The truth is, from my experiences with her, she isn't all she has been projecting she is.

And as I have said earlier in this post, she has also failed to hear the other side of the story about people and she has failed badly to be the other side of the audience to people. This has in result derived a conclusion about people which is totally unfair thus harboring such negativity.

I'm irritated and disappointed at the same time because for someone who has professed openness, my expectation was not even near this reaction from her. Like what was that?

And so, as I have said earlier, such is life. We meet people of all walks of life. Which then, probably is the reason this blog exist. Muahahah *evil laugh*. I mean, well, it's for me to vent my opinion where no one gets a say in return. Isn't this blog fantastic? Awesome.

Infidelity

Currently, my thoughts are musing over a topic about infidelity and the likes but somehow, while all has been said and done, I'm totally not in the mood to write about this here, yet.

It's funny. I normally just gush it all out like those monsoon drains during the torrential rainy days, but today, I just don't feel like saying much about what I've said to my good friends.

Well, all I can say for this post is, everyone, actually do have their little secret. It's whether it is a open or close secret *wink* and, sometimes, what you think it is, it isn't after all or what it isn't, it is after all. Intriguing isn't it?

Acknowledging Greatness

This has been one of the best weekend. I have not been feeling such peace for quite awhile. I slept quite a bit {catching up with ‘that’ loss sleep for the longest of the time I have been deprived}, taking my time in doing everything I feel like doing, be at peace with everything around me and most importantly I have taken count of my blessings. It was rather like a soul nourishing weekend where it invograted everything through me, body and soul.

My last yoga session with myself was great. I took every single minute with myself step by step, breath by breath, thoughts after thoughts letting it pass. I took stock of the moment. I acknowledged everything negative about and around me and I made it a choice to let it go, each of them, in precise with every single exhale. Inhaling then, I let in every positivity this universe has grant us beings. I acknowledge them as I inhale them into my soul. I acknowledged them with my upmost respect then welcomed them with wide open arms.

Such is my take about being at peace and seeking peace. This, is, my, soul sanctuary.

Re-Writing The Magic, Re-Living Xmas n Winter

Am supposed to be re-writing the piece I wrote for RMG because Boss wants it to be repositioned. OK OK, this is putting my writing skills to test. And what they say about writing? One has to be in the right frame of mind and sanity to produce a nice piece.

Settle down. Settle down. I'm not all that talented for Heaven's sake. Not that I can just write my life away at any point in time, or at the snap of the fingers kinda thing. I'm not there yet. And apparently, I have been drilled to do analytics and risk management work only *eyes looking up at the ceiling.*

Year 2010 is coming. I have not even gotten the list of names down for the pressies. I know. I'm like way behind time. For the longest time, I get pretty excited over pressies but I don't know why this year, I am utterly unmotivated. Probably, over shopping?

I even missed my usual Crabtree sale. I even miss walking around the malls to ogle at the cute ready available cards Marks and Spencers normally sells. I even don't have a list of names for X'mas cards.

So un-me *grin* What's happening? Is Verniela growing out of the Christmas spirit? Is the ghost of Christmas going to visit me soon?

Few people has lamented that lately I have been wearing very pretty dresses to work. Oh! Now I realized, I have not been very feminine per see when it comes to dressing. And yes, I did do some serious shopping several weeks back when I said I just got into that MNG boutique and grabbed some 4 dresses at one go, 1 blouse, 1 tube. Well… this is me. And I hope to be doing this more often now that I have gotten my mojo to looking supposedly fabulously girly. Ehem ehem.

I mean with this nice girly long hair, slimmer face frame, it does make some sense, apparently. Oh, now look who is talking about vanity. Something which did not come naturally obviously *eyes looking up the ceiling again*

Anyway, I'm so looking forward to the end of the day because I plan to go Christmas shopping on my own. Yay! I can just linger on places and not worry someone is kept waiting for me. You know that sort of musing around on stuff you particular have a thing or two for. Though, I hope my list is ready by then. If not, it'll be just me and shopping for my winter stuff for Beijing.

Talking about Beijing. I was apparently been forewarned that winter at the top of the Great Wall would be a challenge. Woah! It's not about the steepness of the stairs but the freezing chilling wind that beats the face. Uh! *scary* But yet, I am still determine because for the life of me, I am actually so into that challenge. *God knows what has gotten into me*

Anyway, enough said, it's time to run along… ta-ta for now.

Governing People

I did an appraisal with a staff who has pretty much issues on attitude. And I did not know it could drag on for a wonderful 1 hour, 45 mins. I amaze myself with the amount of words I could verbalise and I have to admit, I have deliberated the issues to him in precise details that I dare bet my car to it that the message was swimming pool water clear.

For a good 11 years of working, for once, I am glad I was put to manage a hoard of people back in my Collection days. It does wonders to my people skills to some extend though I am not professing that I am all perfect now.

I still need filing every now and then but I am glad to some extend that people like that bitch Josephine has thrown me into tough handling people situations that makes this appraisal seemed like a peanut in a peanut butter bottle!

All I need is a good understanding of the person I am about to handle. With that, I am assured I could definitely get messages across, no matter how thick the skull is, diplomatically, er, to some extend.

But say however I want, deep down, I don't fancy this part about working. I honestly don't enjoy 'governing' people. Yeah, I'm even not using the word 'managing' because I totally feel when we work in organizations with a huge manpower, it is no longer managing. It becomes governing...

I honestly still have the passion to work on my own and be managed. It's far easier and simple. Of course, less stress. To many extend, the weight is off the shoulder about the performance of your staff, their career advancement and work satisfaction. And many of times, it is about your own attitude as well.

So at the end of the day, sometimes, it amazes me how much some people would actually die to have people to manage. Maybe it is nice to tell other people there is so much and so much of people working under them. Maybe it's sort of an ego cooker thingy which makes one feel superior.

Honestly, it's pure BS. And most of the time, these are the BS-ters who makes the worst bosses. Because all they care about is how many staffs are under him/her. There is nothing else such imbecile would care.

And they think being a Boss is easy.

Anyway, enough about this. It took away lots of my time already just now, and now, it has taken some blog space too. Haha...

I just want to say, while it is the people that makes the world go around, but it is also the people that makes the mess out of everything. So, by end of the day, governing people is one of the hardest thing to do successfully. I don't think any guru has found the secret of it yet. So long we human remain 'macam-maccam', they will never...

The Magic

I wrote this for my department… enjoyed writing it…

====================================

As most submission are about "me" or "my" story, I however would like this piece to be about us, the Risk Management Group (RMG) from Malaysia.

For the longest time (even before I came on board with the Risk family), the RMG has been said to give a significant amount of their time to community events, particularly to the orphans and abandon children from various walks of life in Kuala Lumpur.

Year after year, this has been the effort RMG vowed to embark, so much so that it has become part of us which naturally takes place year in, year out.

The previous CRM, Domenic Fuda drove us to believe that we have a part to play when it comes to community event and now, with our current CRM, CLN Murthy, he has further ingrained into our hearts that we should be out there with the unfortunate because life is afterall about "giving back."

This year, the 28 of us, along with our families have come together on a cloudy Saturday morning of 5 December to spend time with the kids in "Pertubuhan Kebajikan Thangam Illam" (Welfare Society of Thangam Illam). In this little pink home, lives 35 kids between the age of 4 - 17, of which 3 are handicapped (a blind, deaf and bed ridden).

We invited a clown to lead the party which started at 11.30am. The fun begin. The responsiveness of the children's little voices to the clown were enough to make us all smile. But that was just the beginning. There were magic shows, dance along, sing along and by the time we finished "If You are Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands" there were hysterical laughs all around. The atmosphere were electrifying. Everyone at that point in time were merrily laughing and smiling, forgetting all worries and stress we have been endeavoring at work.

The party continued and we went on doing the "Chicken Dance." Everyone partnered a kid, and there we were making blinks with our fingers, flapping our arms like a mother hen, swaying our big hips to the beat and said, "Hurrah." And the Chicken Dance went on faster and faster, challenging our sordid stiff joints from the hours of sitting on the office chairs to move with the versatile children. We hugged, we laughed and we completely spread all great feelings with everyone in the room. All hostility and grumpiness dissipated, there we were, living the meaning of 'joy.' Joy of sharing, joy of togetherness, joy of enjoyment and joy of love.

We then continued with brunch which we ordered the sumptuous Nasi Briyani with chicken, eggs, fish and vegetables. We served the children despite our growling stomach, then later on, enjoyed the dishes ourselves {yummy}.

Half an hour after that, our very own band, The Lost Boys continued the fun with their Christmas caroling which got everyone singing along, from Jingle Bells, Mary's Boy Child, Deck the Halls, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Jolly Old St. Nicholas and a whole lot while the food was comfortably settling themselves in our tummies. We were just lack of the karaoke set, plus we could already see budding talent for the American Idol!

We then ended with present giving. Prior to shopping for the presents, we have gotten the names and age of each kid in the home so to ensure at the point of shopping, we ensured the presents were something to their interest and use {that is what presents are for afterall, right?}. To make it even special, we had individually labeled their names so they would know it was bought with them in mind {plus, we, the forgetful adults won't be mixing up the many nice pressies which we have specially gotten...}.

When this all ended, it is without doubt that everyone went home with a very sweet feeling. Feeling of fulfillment. Feeling of heart beating contentment. Feeling of satisfaction beyond words could describe.

It was not all about the freezer, blender, water flask or groceries we bought for the home. Nor was it all about the food we ordered. Nor was it all about about Mr. Clown we hired.

It was the magic of being with the children out there, the magic of spending the time laughing together and the magic of being who we really are deep down, to care for the less fortunate and to be able to brighten their lives once every while whenever we could.

That was the magic...

28 More Days

I have concretely confirm that I will get to Beijing in January where it is winter, freezing cold. Apparently the average temperature will be hovering about 1-3 degree Celsius.

Am I crazy?

But for the longest time, I somehow harness this feeling of excitement of trudging up the Great Wall under the blaring winter cold, windy and all. Or even strolling through the Forbidden City all wrapped up in my winter jacket, boots and gloves, only allowing the great dry chilly wind to caress my face. I'm not only excited but looking forward for a twist of my usual journey of hot, tropical islands around the Pacific, Indian Ocean and South China Seas where bikinis, flip flops and shorts thrive.

This journey in fact, is not just a journey per se but as I have mentioned, a must trip to see one of world's wonder. It is that sort of trip that would ear mark the witnessing of mankind greatness once upon a long, long time ago. And that fact itself, intrigues me tremendously.

Just as I would with the Pyramids someday, the Balkans someday, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon one day, Borobudur one day, Angkor Wat one day, Himalayas one day, the Andes and the Inca one day, the Taj Mahal one day, and the list just goes.

Of course, the desserts and appetizers are the hundred of islands break where I basically eat, breath and sleep sand and sea. This, is however, given.

Ohhhhh, I'm super excited…. I can't wait. 28 days more to go…  

Fuckers

I'm aghast.

One of my best pal told me that someone we mutually know very well actually is an avid patron to the prostitute.

For a minute, I read his mail twice, thought that I might have misread.

Like of all the people in this world the least that you expect to be a patron, is actually a patron.

Let me put this straight - there is nothing wrong for a man or even a woman to buy sex but what dumbstruck me is that people should at least be honest about it. The least I expect is, not from someone who has this piece of holier than thou and that you are so damn righteous in your ways attitude to be frequenting.

I mean, to begin with, who was the one who has been talking behind my back?

And so I laugh. I laugh at that 2 fuckers. Literally, fuckers. LOL.

At least, when I ogle at hunks with the rest of the girls, I verbally express myself. At least, what you see and hear is what you get from me. At least when I said, I drool at washboard abs and biceps, I am willing to admit it in front of everyone. I don't pretend.

LOL.

I don't know which is more detrimental actually. The fucker who fucks pros or the fucker who fucks his mistress, the same woman day in, day out. Both anyway, are act of debauchery. They are people who just fucks the shit out of the woman.

LOL. I really wonder.

My 2nd wonder is why is it that it is always people with partners that gets mess up with stuff like this. It is hardly that it is someone single and extremely available gets into such mess. I mean, there are fractions of totally single and unattached men involved but the proportion of married or attached men committing debauchery is alarming. Of course, it's a very logic equation for such when someone is single or unattached but married or attached? Hmm.

And the best of it all is especially more so when their female partners professing the degree of their relationship righteousness adding on with shunning those whom they perceived dysfunctional.

You get my drift?

LOL. It's quite a joke really. And I must say, this universe has its ways with people, cruel they maybe, nice it maybe so every fuckers has their day and every angels has theirs too. Everyone gets their equal share somehow. The universe is such.

Yes, I am still laughing. I am laughing at these jokers. Boy. LOL.

Have fun fuckers. Fuck more.

From Where I Came...

I have returned from my home town and every time I leave my real home, I have the same feeling when I reach KL - hopeful, optimistic and generous. But as I start living my life again in KL, like going back work on a Monday morning which now have turned afternoon, all negative feelings creep to remind me how suck-ful reality is.

I just need to conclude something I have concluded long time ago - every person who are born and bred KL are generally fuckers or assholes. I use the word 'generally.' But they are. Whether they are Christians, Muslims, Toaist or 'dan lain-lain'. They just have this 'thing' about them that sums them to be such. Somehow.

And being my usual self, I will not succumb to becoming their victim and this time, I'm totally ignoring them. So if you see me ignoring people, you now know why.

No use wasting time and energy trying to harness friendship or relationship with such people, because people like this are just super envious and even if they were to treat me well, there is always 'intention'. The curtain has unveiled itself, unexpectedly.

Spending time with my granny has been awesome. I totally enjoyed the moments I had with her. We had dinner, then chatted for a long while in the little home I used to lived in when I was growing up for a good 10 years. She enjoys talking about the good old times - good and bad. And I enjoyed listening because one can never get any of such with anyone. These are those priceless moment, I will eternally hold dearly to such moments. The laughs and the tears, the anguish and the happiness. It's everything.

There, sits Grandma, on her lazyman chair, stacked and piled by cushions of various shapes, sizes and color, almost that no one knows it's a lazy man chair, while she talks, she laughs, cringe or even sigh over her words that comes tumbling down, one after another, punctuated by mere commas.

Grandma talked about her children, my dad (one of her favorite topic), my grandpa, her relationship with grandpa, she bringing my bro and I up, old times when she was young and grandpa and her siblings.

Somehow, like it or not, such conversation does root you to feel that you do come from somewhere. So, it's good. Such feeling makes you feel your ancestors have come so far and the world out there is so utterly bigger than that small problem and issues you have especially at work. It makes you realize, there is far more life out there than anything else.

That's great.

Anyway, for a turn of things, of all the people in this world, I have been giving a thought or 2 to visit Beijing. Yeah, me. Going to China. It's not about anything but the fact that I was thinking, in my lifetime, I should at least go the Great Wall of China and the Forbidden City once just that I get to see how great and egotistical Chinese were once upon a time. Plus, my entire ancestors and forefathers were from China. I mean, 3-4 generations before me were literally from China. Like it or not, I cannot shred my root that I am not yellow in any sense. No doubt, my greatgrands from my dad's side has bloodline traceable either from the great Emperor's Daughter Li Poh or her troops itself.

And, I am surprise, I hold some excitement to a place I always consider loud, smelly, rude, and money-says-it-all. Surprise. Surprise.

Stop

I blogged from the office today complaining about that person this morning. And it amazes me that I have the ability to just go on and on within a mere 10 mins. Now that I re-read it, boy, it is quite a long one. Oh well. This shows how much a person could spill when the heat is on.

I believe this applies to simply everything else too!

Besides the story about her, I have been busy enough to be happy enough. I mean, busy enough not to be at the level of stress up as I occasionally am. So Friday has been a good day for me.

I have not gotten the pressies for everyone yet because this year, I'm just not in the mood to shop. I don't know why but it's just the mood. I am in the feeling that I just want to chill, be with my family and enjoy the moments being with them. Not so much about getting them stuff. Just a feeling at the moment.

Somehow, I would need to figure out the stuff to get for them and then when I am finally in the mood, I'll go all out to get them.

The cards for the home has been very encouraging. So far, I have managed to sell them all, 600 of them. And I'm pretty surprise there would be takers if I were to get additional. Unfortunately, moi's budget on this has been fully used up. Malar told me there is a volunteer who supposedly is a printer can get the card printed for free for them.

She will forward me the person's number. Sigh. I wish things are so simple. To begin with, in today's day and age, one would be skeptical about sharing artwork with strangers.

Like what IF this printer fella actually chooses to make a big fat profit out of my art work without me knowing and etc though the initial contention was for the Home?

Plus, I need to look into my designs because there comes the entire drama of paper type, print type output, envelopes and the entire series of it. I really do wish, simple minded people like Malar actually knows the intricacy process of getting cards printed.

It just does not take a soft copy and viola, the card would be out the way everyone wishes it to be. I mean, I won't be happy if the quality of paper printed distorts my design altogether because by end of the day, these are my work. So, like it or not, I would somehow poke my noise into ensuring the cards turn out right.

Today is already December the 4th. The printer fella apparent will return from God knows where on Monday. Assuming I get in touch on Monday itself, I would have to ask permission from Jason if he is ok to pass me the softcopy, then I would have to speak to this printer fella in great length to understand the technology of his printer capability if he could give the same output as Jason's machine and bla bla bla.

These itself would take up 2-3 days. Then printing output and yada yada yada.

So by the end of this long naggy piece, I just want to conclude this, "We human sometimes, need to know when to stop. When to say, it is enough for now."

Honestly.

Be it how in need we are for what ever at that point of time. We just need to stop being greedy...

The Threaten

I realized at the most recent shift of my job to Cards there is in particular an individual that has 'something' against me but she has no guts to let it all out since there is simply no basis. Plus, I am in the opinion that she is extremely threaten over my coming and she has after all the pondering, feels she is better than me. And I am going to say {which I am sure I am sounding like a bitch} that it am perplexed over her attitude because she has been portraying to be this pious person all, God's grace and all, nice and kind and all, but by end of the day, she isn't all that 'nice' as she seemed.

Maybe I'm just extremely sensitive like a throbbing clit. Maybe. But my gut feel, especially when it is about how someone feels about a situation or feel about something is never wrong. I dare put some money down on this.

To begin with, let me share my observation.

I just called her asking what some abbreviation means and all she did was brushed me off by asking me to just put a 'certain' word down to explain it. But the fact of the matter was, I was trying to understand what it really was and she just refuse to explain. She probably feels these are the ways to keep me away from knowing more than her. I guess.

If only she knows the world doesn’t just revolves around her.

Then there were those casual conversations when she has this 'thing' about always having to disagree with me. And while I look around, she never seemed to do that with people she is totally comfortable with. In fact she's utterly nice to them all the time.

So how does one explain that?

Of course, everyone feels she is nice because she wants them to choose to believe she is. It's just all the 'wayang'. I feel she is as manipulative as the Witch of the East because if someone is naturally nice, someone is naturally nice to everyone. They don’t' just go picking who to be nice and doesn't. Plus, while I am pointing my fingers on her, I did point 3 back to me and ask if in any juncture have I offended her, say something she does not like or even do anything I am not supposed to.

Apparently, my approach to everyone in the department has been the standard same niceness, except Old Maid who ticks me off once in awhile. Even with Pathetic J. Even with Loser, I am cordially nice.

But I also would believe that maybe, I have this 'thing' about the way I carry myself and generally, the entire feel people have over me.

Then just this morning, she was asking if I am still interested to get the Crabtree stuff since she has a card that gives 25% instead of the 15% I'm eligible {because I was asking around who has THAT card}. So, why that niceness? I wondered.

I have come to a conclusion that she is at this point in her life trying to figure out where I stand in her life. Colleague? Friend? Threat? Competition? And while I am pretty much all 4, it's tough to treat someone as a colleague, friend, threat and competition. I am sure.

And I 'think' that explains her inconsistent attitude towards me.

As I have said, I'm perplexed because once upon a time, she has treated me like she treated everyone else, but now, she tends to have the tendency to single me out and treats me differently.

I am however, still observing and not reacting. Plus I don't see a point since who is this person after all? Now that she has made it obvious in various occasion, she just deserve to be a colleague and nothing more. So, I will not hesitate to keep her as one. Full stop.

Enough said. I've document enough about her and thus, it's time I take no heed. This piece is just a reminder to myself, no matter how nice you are to people around you, there will always be someone insecure who will envy you for who you are. Even more so if they are those supposedly people trying to live up to the name of God and that bunch of crap. I'm not even going to apologize for saying this because this is really what they are. Pathetic.

Plus, I am what I am and I will not change just because people feel uncomfortable over my confidence. As the words always use should be aptly use here, it's time to "just ignore." Because it's bliss after all.

At this moment...

I am smiling as I am typing this. I happen to be listening to this song this morning that is precisely mirroring my feelings:

"I look up to the little bird
That glides across the sky
He sings the clearest melody
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to sit right down
and cry cry cry, yeah.

I walk along the city streets
So dark with rage and fear
And I...
I wish that I could be that bird
And fly away from here
I wish I had the wings to fly away from here, yeah.

But Mamma I feel so low
Mamma where do I go?
Mamma what do I know?
Mamma we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird's fallen out of that nest now
I've got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I've just got to put these wings to test

For I am just a troubled soul
Who's weighted...
Weighted to the ground
Give me the strength to carry on
Till I can lay my burden down
Give me the strength to lay this burden down
down down yea
Give me the strength to lay it down
Lay it down, Lay it down."

Promotion

I think I am a person who is pretty hard to please. Haha. But sometimes, as anyone would note, I would brush off to claimed, it takes so little to please me.

Oh... women. And I happened to be one.

My honest feeling today was good, then it went a little sad in the afternoon right after my boss called me to ask about my staff's last promotion. Apparently, he proposed that they are to be promoted this time around but big boss said it's too soon {and yes, they were promoted just 1.5 years ago). I was of course happy for them because for those who has worked hard and given a fair share of their effort, they deserve it.

But, the action of promotion triggered me to wonder for myself. As much as I could just say I am that open hearted and not bothered of such things, I would only be lying through my crooked teeth.

It's been 4 years since I last got my promotion. And I am to bitch that not a single year in my life from the day I got promoted have I laid down in Shavasana and waited for the next one to come by.

I am sad because while it is everyone's turn getting their pinch of the promotion and here I am, getting sidelined over it year after year.

I have had this conversation with my boss, what does it take for me to be getting the next jump and here I am equipping myself with what it takes but for the 2 years I have been in Risk, I don't seemed to see any good news. This is year 3.

And this, saddens me. I totally feel as if, if anything there is in this world that would not want to move with me, it would be this piece. Not even my Stallion which I am having trouble getting a good buyer. At least, I know there are avenues which I have and did not ventured into so I do know that I have not done my mightiest best to secure a buyer, somehow.

Nevertheless, it is not so for my job. I get rating 2 every year. Though never 1 because that is near impossible within my group standards. I am even in the supposedly high-potential list of people in the bank and on top of that, I can list the projects and assistance I have rendered over and over again to portfolio that totally don't belonged to me or when anyone just hollar for an assistance. Or just when the big boss opens his mouth to ask. I will take it without complain. I will complete it without complain. I have even added on to my extra working hours just to finish these stuff just so, everything would be in ready mode when it is supposed to be.

I learnt up my numbers and my portfolio by heart. I even monitor them like a hawk day in and out. I ensured I know what is happening in my portfolio, between Sales, CI and Collection. And it has even come to a point where I can now anytime command an audience to talk about the product I handle. No problem. I don't even need time to prepare.

And if I were to say they have failed to recognise me, that is altogether wrong, because as I have said above, I get Ratings 2 and I am even in the list of hi-po. I am not complaining about that. They have acknowledged me by giving handsome increments and bonuses year after year. These itself have attested to my performance.

So with almost every determinants to go to the next level, and points checked, I am sadden that people have overlooked me for a promotion.

I have to selfishlessly admit that it is not about the money. That, they have given me enough. But what I am asking for is a piece of recognition which I am adamant that it is all due. Of which, I have no qualms that I have paid more than sufficient dues to be getting it.

So yes, I am sad. I am sad if this time around again, my big boss looks pass me. I would be sad.

But this time around, I will as my usual self, ask to be explained my short comings and I will continue to work for it. BUT, as I have done all there is stated last year, I would make it a point to express my disappointment because for the past 3 years, I have been very silent about the matter bas I totally understand that I was coming from a different background then and thus, I would need time to prove myself self worth before I could be recommended for a promotion.

And 3 years has come and go. I have proven pretty much enough.

I don't think also, I would be able to accept any other crap talk if my boss were to babble on 'excuses' this time around. I have made up my mind that I will speak my mind. Just to be fair to myself.

I mean, even the cranniest ass is probably higher level than me by now {of course not many people can compare their earnings} but as I have said, it is no longer about the money. It's about being recognise.

We'll see. We'll see. We'll see.

Taking Leave

I'm tired. Work was busy. Of course, the highlight of the event was about hiring this attitude problem girl which HR is forcing us to do it, despite our protest that she has an attitude for the reason that is we were to retract, it would look bad on my bank.

Sometimes, people are so fucking conscious about their stupid image that they forget to do the right thing.

Fucking stupid. Fucking stupid HR. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And even stupider is that that supposedly Head Generalist has to ALWAYS "give me time to think about it" for every fucking decision or advice.

When I get reprimanded for "give me time to think" on my Risk decisions and here she jolly is a wonderful VP, given the leeway to "gimme time to think" about every single bloody decision she makes.

What cock is that? Bloody cock I should say!

There is my complain. Otherwise, despite being the busy bee I am, I am happy at work.

My MIL's results are finally out and it has concluded that she is fine. Just some harmless cyst. Thank God for that.

I am trying to lay cool as much as I can at this juncture. So I hope that I am able to be lucky enough to
1. change my car
2. get to Maldives
3. learn up Cards stuff

There are a number more things I would like to rant but I am just too lazy to bitch. The gas is almost at "E" now. That is how tired I am.

That tired that I just feel like taking an emergency leave for a day where I don't have really anything important and do nothing at home. Just read, eat and sleep. Just being with me, myself and I.

Ah, how I wish for such day BUT, being me, in reality, I don't want to waste a day of my leave for this because my leaves are PRECIOUS.

Plus, I rather work and lay low in the office to at least get some stuff done at snail pace. Furthermore, I don't have either one of my bosses breathing down my neck. It's a blessing.

So it does not makes any sense to waste my leave in such manner tho of course, I have to admit, that I am thoroughly VERY tired, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I guess such is life. Enough said, it's time I leave the net and get down with my books. Ta ta!