I'm down.
Though I have been down on even worst days with far worst feeling, the fact of the matter is I am down.
My therapy is writing. Or rather blogging.
My strength comes from every other day that I am willing to still thrive and move. My courage comes from my choice to still go on, fixing what is broken or needs to be strengthen.
I realized, my worst enemy is with people who stirs nothing but indifference and insincerity. Especially when these traits were flashed over to me. Like a lightening strike on my head.
I've been reminded why I sail far from people in general. Why I never take stock too much of being close to many people but the far few friends that I have. That handful only.
Because deep down, I know, this weak soul could only hold that much of heart sick and disappointment. I could only handle that much.
It all started when the person I pretty much find annoying told me about the fact of the matter about my work. The thing that disappointed me was the fact that as his usual no balls, he said he is VERY happy with my work. Very happy with my everything at work and no complains.
But, no promotion.
Just about 1 year ago, I remember sitting in front of him, asking him what would it take to get there.
And one year later, he said no promotion because my big boss is not agreeable.
And so, it is made to look that my big boss IS THE ONE who doesn't agree. And he added on that, if it were for previous my boss, the situation would have be different. Oh, so now it is putting the blame entirely on the boss.
Great.
Then he went on to say, big boss is worried about me with the new portfolio. Like what the hell would they allow me if they are worried I cannot handle?
It just does not make sense.
Then, he said, big boss wanted to just give me a "within standards" ranking but he reminded boss of the additional efforts I've put in throughout the year and thus, he relented to "above standards."
The mother of irony, when mid term review was on, he gave me the same shit that he is very happy with my work and all, yet, I am subjected to "within standards" at initial thoughts?
Common.
Then, he went on to say, now that I am pretty much at the maximum of my level salary band, I am to be ready for ZERO increment.
Is it my fault that I am being remunerated for my hard work? And is it my fault that no one comes to tell me that in order for me to move to the next level (so I won't be stuck in the rut as this is), I need to do this, this and this because I am stuck here, nether here or there.
I mean, if I am subjected to zilch increment, zilch promotion, then what use am I to work additional harder?
It just as well that I just do the least I am required and be done with it.
It's just a simple logical equation.
And so, I am planning to meet my boss and speak to him over my concern, whatever crap he is going to shower me, I will see and decide.
Sometimes, I really wish these people can stop taking me for a fool. It does not mean that when a person is not a bitch in a office, she can be taken for a wonderful ride of lies.
While the choice is in my hands, I will work through on this one and we will see. We will see.
