Today is another day.
I got my answer. And I am satisfied. I need to work on everything I have not. And that would fix things up. And yes, I need the time. Time is the essence.
Things are not as bad a I portrayed it to be but sometimes, we humans tend to get overly emotional about it and that is when it eats me up to certain extend.
Sometimes I do take pity of myself. Sometimes, I accept defeat and allow myself to succumb to weakness. Sometimes.
And this is one of those sometimes.
I shed several drop of tears as I drove to work today. For many reasons.
I felt sorry for myself that I allow people to affect me to this extend. I mean, when I thought it through it all, I realized that the root of my disappointment was because I wanted to prove myself to that Cow that no matter what in life, I am far better than her. Far, far, far better than her that I refuse to even budge in ANYTHING there is in life to compare, just to prove the point.
And, I have to admit, I stoop that low to compete with her. I wanted everything I have to be better than her so I could just kill her spirit. I don't even want to kill her physically, I just want to kill her soul. Sick as I may sound.
And, I have to admit, that is the extend of my hate for her. That is the extend she has encourage me to hate her. That is the extend also I have allowed her to feel for her.
And, I have to admit, despite my treacherous feeling about and over her, just because I have failed in my career in being better than her in position, I feel I have been utterly defeated. So defeated.
And, I have to admit, this defeat is so hard to stomach. So fucking hard to swallow.
I felt sorry for myself that I have to admit defeat again this year. Yes, despite this one last piece I needed. Otherwise, I have it all against her. Greedy isn't it? It is. It always is when it comes to her.
I felt sorry also that I feel sorry for myself for such a small thing. But I can't help my weak soul. No doubt as everything there is in life, I can't win it all, but with her? I want it all. As wise words would aptly put it, "It would also kill you" but I just don't think I have to take heed because the day I attain it, it is the day that victory is sweeter than even that 40% of increment. Or that awesome bonus I have been bestowed every year.
Eugene will not understand this. Because Eugene is far open hearted than this. Eugene is far smarter than this. Eugene is stronger than all this. So Eugene will never get it and feel what I am feeling. And for that, I will not even try to make him understand.
It’s that spiritual feeling of fulfillment. Call me competitive. Call me kiasu. Call me ungrateful. Call me greedy. Call me whatever names but I know myself better. This piece would say it all. It's like hammering the last nail to the coffin.
And so, I shed the tear because I realized in some ways, God doesn't want me to feel this way. He, the Great one thinks this is far too small hearted, too thrifty, too evil. And so, I believe, I will never get this promotion until the day I pay my dues and have an open heart.
And so I shed the tear.
I shed the tear to comfort myself that, as Adrian reminded me, I have already better than her in everyway as it already except this, so I just needed to give this one victory to her. Just one. And I don't have the choice. So why should I fret something I am not given a choice?
Of course, deep down, somewhere in the corner of my heart, I wanted the promotion as a recognition but as far as I am concern, this is actually the least of my worry. That is in fact, the least of my concern though I kept harping on the fact that it matters to me, whole heartedly.
No, this wasn't the net true reason for me feeling this. I wanted the promotion to prove her a point.
Shallow. And so I shed the tear.
No one would understand this competitive thingy until he/she meets a person that is always taking measure of you. In every sense. While I have a choice to ignore her, but there is so much I could. I am after all human. I am after all related to her. At some juncture of time, I still get brushed over her insecurities {to measure up to me} though in a lot of sense, I have been laying silence and trying to be indifferent.
I'm not proud to say I allowed her to affect me but there is so much of a strength I could harness to mask it off. Or should I say, there is so much of a big heart I could muster to pull this through.
I don't have a solution or conclusion to this anymore. Anyone who reads this would be wondering, why? Why Verniela, of all the people in this world who lives life or believes to be living life is actually succumbing to something so utterly thrifty?
I guess, by end of the day, this person here who still have a piece of a heart hasn't got it all open yet. I still don't have a big heart after all. I still fail to take no heed over a person who work tirelessly to be better than me.
Psychologically, I am comforted on the fact that I am that awesome that she needs to follow my foot steps but, I don't need people following me to even extend of sunglasses and handbags for Chris' sake. That is my point.
But, I'm going to take my time on this and fret not to have an open heart. I just hope when one day comes, and I dread that day, I will not need to tell her off on her face in front of everyone else.
After all… I'm. Only. Human.
