Struggle

There has been times I can't quite express the challenges I face working in this new portfolio. On good days, it is rewarding when I realized throughout these 3 months, I have indeed been learning tremendously. But on bad days, I have doubts if ever I would be good enough.

I have to admit that I am struggling to pull through my work day in and day out. And my struggle isn't just plain easy struggle. It mixes with having to learn the entire gist of the story of the business, timely delivery and error free submission everything in one. Then, my splendid time was so timely that I joined at the smack of the system cutover which brought havoc to all our reporting numbers, not by choice. And from a totally non-technical person, I forced myself to pick up the technical problems and issues this system is giving, while trying to understand it technically then, convert it to layman terms where people like my Boss understands it.

I don't know how many times I have been given the look or been 'sound' by my Boss for mistakes and it has even come to a point where I think my skin has become quite thick in accepting the mistakes and not to overly feel bad about it and still move on with a strong frame of mind.

Yeah, I know. People would say, this builds character. But honest to God, I trust I am already quite a character. I don't need additional 'character.'

I'm so tired today. I came to work with a worry that we are unable to send out the revised version of the reports in time for the 1.30pm call. I had a meeting at 11am to discuss over gaps we have identified for all products due to some change in policy and action plans to work around it which is due by end May 2010.

Then I was told off big time after we send it out, that I should not have sent it since that was not the instruction (but the whole world thought so too, so I wasn't the only one who misunderstood). I had to literally stand next to my boss, deliberate what the real changes are page by page so if anyone ask him, he has answers to it. And, it wasn't just a 5-10 pager mind you.

Then I got news that the guy who was supposed to cover me for a council meeting is on MC and he abandon me altogether with what little I know (luckily I prepared the deck and consolation is I know the numbers. My weakness - I am unsure of the history and workout around this). Thank Heavens, in this little berserk, God was kind. Somehow I got support from Ivy, Boon and Hui2 to company me in case the counsel were to question the unobvious which I may not know off.

I skipped lunch because every thing was back to back (had not had breakfast which I normally don't). And finally got to grab some carbo at 4.30pm comprises of Mee Hoon goreng, a fried chicken and a cup of iced Rose syrup. I had small pangs of gastric already.

I thought I would go for a run to ease my mind at 6pm but guess what, it's growling outside, threatening to rain with accompanying lightning. So much for it.

Anyway, all I know is I just want to go home, pack some of my unpack clothes into the closet. Wash some clothes and lay like a rag doll, all battered and ugly on my bed and finish up The Historian. I just want to be with myself and enjoy the moment with just myself. Maybe even some drawings. 

If Eugene knows about this, he would be lamenting that I leave early only when he is not in town but the point is not that, it's just coincidental. And for the lack of sugar in my system (I believe, my head is heavy now and if I don't resolve with any pain killer, this would definite built to a darn migraine).

It does make me wonder off late, if really, really this struggle and sacrifice is worth every penny I earn. Is it worth the struggle, the every now and then mistakes? The 'told off'? I mean, even now as I am talking, I don't have my K-man to drive. I don't have a lifestyle of a rich and famous where they wine and dine in expensive diners, drink designer coffee or wear designers. I'm just half there only, minus all the designer word. And I know, I would be still happy even if I am not there.

So, what is with this toughness that I need to endure? What's with it?   

 

Pest

I want to insult SOL. I so want to insult her because I have kept this feeling since yesterday after breakfast in La Bodega. I just can't stand such imbecile who thinks so highly of herself.

And so, the story goes that the bitch is now been given a Blackberry in the office (just when I was saying all Blackberry should be taken away from this surface of Earth) and she lamented to her husband that no one e-mailed her throughout the weekend.

This goes to show how pariah some people are. Super pariah. And it's just a fucking Blackberry.

I mean, she did lament about that stupid Panerai when she got it last time, about how she needs her friend to ask her what the time is in the office so people will notice what watch she is wearing.

Pariah.

Then she went on with her Ms. Know All attitude what she knows about Switzerland and its express train. She was making commentary about the type of train I was planning to take and she got it all fucking wrong. I mean, honestly, she doesn't even know a single bit about express trains in Europe to begin but she has the cock to make statement of what kind of train we are going to take yada yada yada.

Like what the fuck was that for? I just kept my gap tightly zipped, rolled my eyes to myself (ah hah, ask me how does that work) and let her make a fool of herself tho' everyone on the table thought she was right.

Pariah. Stupid. Damn fucking stupid.

She's such a pest.

And the mother of all irony, such people actually want to measure up with me. For Heaven's sake, can she see where she stands? In everything? I think I need to get her a mirror because she doesn't realise that I'm here and she's there, like WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OVER THERE.

God!

Crap & The Belated B'day

I'm hooding over lunch, what ever that means. Just somehow, the word comes out to describe my feelings.

I have had a tough week. Very, very tough week. Both in work and on a personal front. Sometimes I wonder if all these bitterness and struggling is worth every penny, time and effort. I wonder.

I have come to a point in this week that I just wanted to give it all up, every single thing I ever have worked and put in for, up. Just quit it all and run away. Go away to somewhere where no one knows me, of my existence so that I can at least have a minute of peace of mind.

And that running away feeling was indeed strong, just like those whiff of spirit in a whisky when you unintentionally open up a bottle thinking it was Coke. The idea of it just hit me.

Yes, I was tired. I was tired of people bugging me of everything and anything. I was tired of having to give it all to everyone. I was tired having to answer to whatever else there is to answer. 

Somehow, when I woke up some time on Thursday which was my birthday, I woke without much emotions. I only knew I needed to get to work and get my things done, go for dinner with the people who loves me and call it a day.

And despite the 101 calls and e-mails and a heated crap I got from someone whom I still do not understand for the outburst, my sadness has dissipated leaving just utter eye rolling motion (just as a reactive motion of disagreement for the moment), fits of laughter (because I do not know what else will be befalling over my already crooked shoulders so I needed the laugh to pull me through) OR nothingness (as I am tired with the colossal emotions that were coloring my well being throughout the week).

I did express via an outburst to Adrian for a good 10mins however, with all the fucks that ever roamed but that was it, I just don't want to over indulge on negativity as it is already trying hard in sucking up all that is left of me.

So there.

I am typing this with U2 blasted into my numb skull. With appreciation that Nina, Leila and Yien Lee worked it up till 2am to get whatever that is overdue, over and through. They are the reason ever more so I should not quit.

I will have to go on. However things would be. And here it goes, I'm going back to work, again, sorting some crap Taiwan is saying that Malaysia has sent the wrong template, what ever that means. Here we go… *again*

And yes, Happy Belated Birthday to myself, I certainly didn't feel like I had one though… (despite the impressive number of well wishes which I never knew I would have <-- I ain't that bad after all…hahah).

Busy with Matters of the Heart

I just noted that I have not blogged for a week plus. That is considered long for someone who has a lot cynic to share. But, the gigantum magnitude of workload imposed on me has been beyond the definition of plenty. OK, I'm exaggerating, plenty is overstated. It's just a lot. A L-O-T.

Just when I thought this week would be a pleasant week since my big boss is off for 2days, boy, was I darn wrong. He was literally checking his mail via his Blackberry (THE person who created this piece of cumbersome technology in my humble opinion ought to be shot dead right through the forehead AND, some virus writer should implant a self destruction virus into each Blackberry so it no longer exist as an object on this surface on Earth) with questions about some fuckers who has nothing better to do but to 'arrow' his issues upon my team / have a point to prove thus resulting again on my team being 'arrowed' at or assigning workload or checking on my progress of deliverable which are hotly due next week.

Sigh.

While I was frantically trying my best to complete my real deliverable for the week, here I was, having to diarize, reply and explain incoming mails after mails particularly, from him (there were even mails which I received that made me go, "Now, what the hell is actually?" And I had to walk thru' and squeeze every single information and history of the issue as much as my little fingers could garner to come to some solution).

Sigh.

And there was even an occasion, where I totally did not have an answer to the solution. Nor has anyone. I just left for home, praying to God, that the solution through the eventual turn of event and ways of life would revealed itself naturally.

I just let go for once in my capacity as someone who has always something for a solution. The issue was not merely about work but about my role as a human being with emotions and feelings against a must-deliver submission. It was challenging my principal as a human and my principal as a supervisor, colleague, staff and friend. All, melted into one. It was such a dead end.

That was my share on work. People who doesn't work in my capacity would never ever understand the trauma I go through.

Sigh.

But as I was telling Adrian, if you are not going to climb the mountain, how do you expect to reach the top? Of course, it is the matter of time and that, depends on how fast aka fit I am to get there.

So, despite it all, I have decided that I will stick to it until I am there. Then I will jump to another mountain to hike. And that would be an easier mountain for sure.

Within berserk workload lifestyle, the consolation is

1. I don't need to bring my work back for the weekend

2. I am confirmed taking off in late April to Switzerland and Italy.

Yahoo.

So, with the remaining spare time, here I am charting my route, travel arrangement and accommodation for that 10-12 long days in Europe. Indeed, I am looking forward.

Anyway, it is also time I take a break by then because with this amount of being chased and tension it is creating day by day, the accumulated stress has to be given a break to regain some sanity.

Many things has also happened within this week.

For one, we have decided as a small group we will register for a dancing class soon. Yeah, dancing class. Beat that. I never thought I would seriously indulge in this form of entertainment (or sport, call it however you want) but indeed we are about to get our feet moving to the beat. Haha. For the heck of fun. For the heck of learning. So, yes, another stuff to keep the busy bee even busier over weekends :-)

On matters of life, Boon has just got news about his baby. According to the doctors, she has been confirm an abnormal baby and would have extremely thin chance of survival when she is due in 4 months time.

I feel for Boon and wifey as this is a child who is supposedly be joining us Earthlings soon and yet, news has it now that she would not be making it. It's sad. It's very, very sad.

I pray things has its ways in soothing it kindly for Boon and wife throughout this emotionally challenging phrase.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder (tho I have already the answer) again, why does such sad things happen to good people? Why is it that it doesn't happen to people like Josephine or Maggie or Sara or Chris or Patrick or whoever else evil which is not on the top of my mind now (this, I don't have an answer). Why?

Is it that the every month vegetarian vow they take, or the once in the blue moon feeling-guilty-so-I-am-doing-charity work leveraging out on their bad shits really taking effect? Or that, their hypocrisy is actually a sheep in wolf skin (note the animal swap please) that is O-K to be bad? Or is it that, by the virtue of insincerity and fake-ism that they are so blessed with life? Or is it that, the injustice of their actions to the many people around them is actually doing justice to us people who actually IS the bad one?

I wonder.

So, to some people (who refuse to dwell deeper than this) they would often lament that Life-Is-Not-Fair afterall.

I digress. Because, I choose to believe life is fair. Because there is such thing call Karma and Retribution.

At such occasion, I wonder to myself, when would Karma hit on people like them? Like when?

I don't think turning vegetarian every month during some holy day or going to the temple to seek good luck and then perform repayment rites ARE the thing to get away with murder (so to speak). I REALLY don't think that is life's methodology of working out that equilibrium.

But on the hind side, we don't know what is really happening internally - emotionally, mentally, physically to these people. I mean, maybe something is eating them up after all. We don't know.

So let's give doubt the benefit. As always.

Besides these, Janie called to talk about the Old man again. As a friend, I will not and have not push her aside over this repeated matter but I honestly feel she should just make a decision and move on. Over dwelling to keep the relationship is just wasting her time, not his. And Janie who has gone through so much, should have the confidence about herself to pull this through. She sometimes doesn't believe enough in herself.

I mean, what use is there to keep going thru the same issue over and over again? It is the SAME thing everytime they have a conflict. Same fundamental issue. Today, it does not make sense even if he gives her money to spend. The money can not be one of the reason to stay on this fragile relationship.

As I was arranging my dishes today, this strucked me, "The Old man did not really extend his neck on anything for her after all. To begin with, while he was with her and vowing his faithfulness and commitment to the wrongful relationship, he brought his entire family to Australia for a better life. And he left her here high and dry with PROMISE to be with her one day."

What the fuck was that?

2 years later, he is still there, this time with new excuses for not being with her and for not divorcing his wife.

There.

Fucking utter rubbish.

See my point people? See why I said to Janie on the phone that going with him per se is a bad idea?

And the money. At one point, we friends think, by getting him to pay 'some' form of pocket money would lure him into getting his fat old ass off from Down Under and be with her as the monthly dough would give a pinch to phis ocket to realise that someone is indeed waiting and to cut some losses, it makes more sense to just leave his wife and be with her. And with that too, he is serious about 'taking care' of her as he has been aptly putting it every other day. Yada yada yada.

OK, now people will start wondering what a friend I am, encouraging a man to leave his lawfully wedded wife for my friend. Like how lopsided I am and bias.

Let's put this straight, he promised her he would leave his wife ONE DAY for her. He promised her eternal love. He promised her, she will be forever with him or vice versa (you know la, Keling, when they start cakap konek, this is what comes out of it) and everything else along this love mundane lines.

And so, to me, it's simple fact, based on what he has said, he would leave her one day as he promised. And with that, I don't believe a promise has to take eternally like some 2-3 years already. Or was it more?

But after all the drama, dancing around coconut trees, sari covering the faces, group dancing, singing, chasing around the garden, nothing has happened.

Only, Janie heart is always broken over and over again (which I also blame her for not believing enough of herself and her friends) by this man.

So in this context, as a friend, should I be right to advice to leave the fucker and start life afresh (including looking out for a REAL life partner) and that keeping the relationship is a totally bad idea?

I don't think my sense of logic is that bad even tho I may have missed a point or two.

But as I have said to Janie, whatever her decision is, to stay or walk out, as a friend, she has my support and blessings. Because by end of the day, this is her life, she choice, her journey.

Well, so much for this and that. It's been a long rant but these are so much of the issues in my mind at the moment.

I hope for everyone's wellness. And I hope to be having a good week ahead despite a tight deliverable week at work. Be well people. *Muakz*

The Dark Side

Today is another day. I don't know if it would be day of indifference or day of contempt joy yet but I know it would be a good one. For one, I am earlier for work.

I did a good 6km this morning. My thoughts were very much with myself though at some turn at the park I was preparing mentally to bump into that bloody scrawny old man. Thank Heavens, he's not here today. Everytime I don't see him during my morning runs, I secretly hope he has died.

Yeah. I have this evil pang within me that has this really despicable feeling over people who I sincerely detest. Don't ask me why but the only reason I could explain for this phenomenon is the attribution of an anguish and suppress childhood. Oh, don't get me wrong. It is not my parent's fault.

They have taught me everything a good human should be and a bad human should not be but, I have this twisted character which goes beyond them. They are very simple, law abiding and responsible adults who happen to be my parents so naturally, it is taken for granted, their offspring would be simple, responsible and kind.

Somehow, when I grew up, I realized I have this tenacity of being mean if I want to. I have also discover what meanness means and what evil is all about. Though I have not killed, harm or hire someone to be raped (gulp) but I realized if ever in life when my anger peaks to such extend of hatred and evilness and if I do not take full control of my insane self, I might have the courage to commit one of them.

I have even extend of manipulation. And I realized I have those in born capability if I want to. This manipulation element is so perfect and well planned that it seemed seamless and invisible to anyone. So much so that sometimes, I scare myself of my capability.

I have analyzed myself and as I have said, it were attributed from the suppress childhood. Especially during my teenage years when I feel the school system suppresses us to express ourselves and only rule with punishment and embarrassment just to attain order within those ridiculously rusty fences that builds boundaries between reality and a female asylum.

Given my already heated temperament and creative character, this sparks and encourage means to go against orderly beyond a simple mind. To go against norm. To go against orderly. To go against people who tell me I can't without giving time to explain without them even knowing. So that, I get away scot free.

But these defiance is not to feel proud in defying itself and proving my intelligence, but more of getting things done within "my way" that I am happy with.

I also learnt, I believe in logic and so to attain my support, things has to be made in logical common sense and not just utter rubbish of bewilderment reasons for the sake of a reason. I will challenge that. And I will kill a person emotionally or mentally if the imposer can't make some sense for their reason of governance.

This itself, I have considered, fiery. A fiery character.

I also want to move out of this furnace of suppression who restricts me angrily to be what I really am. People in my little world refuse to allow me to be what I am and want to be. It angers me. I literally feel everyone wants a piece to control me within their rein, hoping I would live by their standards, and not mine. And theirs, are always lame and boring. Sick and lackluster. Mundane and orthodox. I want to defy these, badly. All because I want to be what life has for me out there. Colorful and fun.

I do not deep down enjoy everything I do when I was young. Because deep down I am either doing it for someone or something, very seldom for myself. But to comfort my unnerving soul, I reminded myself every time I am made doing those stuff like a frustrated prostitute who has no choice in life but to open her legs 10 times a day for 10 different fuckers that, these good behavior and results are tickets to my freedom to be what I want to be.

So I do reasonably well. I make people in their eyes see, I am good. I am deserving. I am sound. Only, just to get away from their clutches of suppression and control.

And yes, those hard years have built these other dark side of me that still prevails when anger strikes. On an optimistic outlook, these aggression and hard headedness drives me to be what I am today. My sturdy stubbornness and opinionated voice makes me someone who write wittily that most often than not, people who reads what I write ask me for my source of inspiration. From Shanice to the 5 Ladies in KL to my daily ramblings on issues and matters of the heart.

On the pessimistic outlook, these dark side requires absolute control over. And I have realized, yoga for once have managed to manifest it ways for me to control my own darkness. Not my darkness over me. So at 34 going on 35, the fire of evilness has indeed been put under a simmering mode under a pack of quieten coals along with managing and harnessing enough well to bring goodness to myself and the people around me. More so to society if I could.

My only hope is, one day, I would be able to let the feeling of meanness to the people I hate off the hook. Or even to have the feeling of hate over a selection of people today who has done very unjustly things towards me, emotionally to be 'nothing.' Only I believe, that, it would put the entire simmering furnace off and probably, me ending up in a cave like Mulu, long haired, untamed, wearing only yellow robe, brown yellow rotting teeth, meditating to past time and seek enlightenment, with people all around Malaysia coming to seek me for blessings and wisdom.

I am then called, "Your holy highness." *smirk*

Watch It!

Sharks!

I forgot about THE resolution - watch the gap on swearing! Check out the recent post below *grasp*

See what happens when one gets off guard? All the Fs flow au de naturale-ly. Like my 2nd nature. Like my middle name.

Behave. Behave. Behave.  Watch it...

All Well... And A New Pam (he he he)

These 2 berserk days have been filled with being LATE for work. Damn. I think it is a matter of time that I will be getting a warning from my bosses for being so late if I continue with this crap. Of course, being the irresponsible worker, I am putting the entire blame on the traffic which never seemed to ceased even well pass 9am. Bloody traffic. Bloody people who goes to work. Of a sudden, it seems to me that the entire working population in Klang Valley starts work at 10am.

I got to rise earlier. Fucking waste of my precious time in the jam. I think I got to start thinking of some means to do some useful things in the car while inching my way through the jam. Imagine, 40-50 minutes of time wasted in the jam. Imagine how much can one do within those 50 minutes? Some people can even orgasm 2x within that period! Kids even have almost 2 periods of their lesson taught! I can complete a good 8-9km of run! Imagine!

…. *brooding*

On a higher note, a new Pam has joined the family! Woo hoo! The last pure, excitement I had was when I got my car some 4 years back. Those feeling when you can't let your attention off that thing for the whole time. And you find every waking opportunity to just gaze at it with absolute admiration. This is how much I love my Pammy.

So, for those people who think material stuff can't bring happiness, I have got something to say - Don't buy things because you want to measure up. Buy because you are so typically in love with it. Because only then, it brings you absolute joy like any other unmaterial passion.

For the likes of Maggie, James and whoever else, read this word by word please…

And stop shunning me that, I'm all out to show off my material like the general Klites just to boost my ego so to feel good about myself or that I needed to be part of the fucking pathetic bandwagon of posers and/or losers.

I'm egoistical enough and an archetypical unbended Narcist that doesn’t need to feed on show off to feed my soul.

But honestly, I'm still head over heel over my Pam. It's one of those things I say to myself over and over again, "I can't believe it’s on my wrist and I own it."

That sort of feeling.

I have been laying low anyway with my drawings and card making. For the life of me, I seemed to be working a lot, chilling, doing lots of runs, x-training (yesterday's yoga was madness. Parul had herself replaced with a friend who is this hyper yoga bunny or rather, hare. While we were solemnly embarking on the strecthing, he was already lamenting our soberity. "Smile. Smile. Smile," he went on. "Breath and smileeeee." And yes, he did push us to our limits {also many thanks to Siti who told him under the rate of 10, we level at 7} so of course, he took the opportunity to push us shit hard. By the end of a good 1 hour, I sweated like I just did a 5km. Believe me not. Just with yoga!)  AND reading. So the mojo on the creative side of things have indeed taken a backseat. In fact, not forgetting my long ambition of finishing up Shanice or even 5 Stories in KL isn't heading anywhere, it seems. Ahhhh. I need some focus here.

Well so much for now.

I'm typically happy with how things are cooking. Runs are hovering around 21-23 kms per week these few weeks and my legs are taking it well. Due race is in June so I think I should be fairing well. Europe's on. I'm in the midst of charting my route. Work's shitty but let's not talk about it. At least, I'm up some scary learning curve. Though, there is no sign about my changing my car in the next 1-2 months. Don't want to stress myself over it. It is of course, a matter of time and price. *Wink*