There has been times I can't quite express the challenges I face working in this new portfolio. On good days, it is rewarding when I realized throughout these 3 months, I have indeed been learning tremendously. But on bad days, I have doubts if ever I would be good enough.
I have to admit that I am struggling to pull through my work day in and day out. And my struggle isn't just plain easy struggle. It mixes with having to learn the entire gist of the story of the business, timely delivery and error free submission everything in one. Then, my splendid time was so timely that I joined at the smack of the system cutover which brought havoc to all our reporting numbers, not by choice. And from a totally non-technical person, I forced myself to pick up the technical problems and issues this system is giving, while trying to understand it technically then, convert it to layman terms where people like my Boss understands it.
I don't know how many times I have been given the look or been 'sound' by my Boss for mistakes and it has even come to a point where I think my skin has become quite thick in accepting the mistakes and not to overly feel bad about it and still move on with a strong frame of mind.
Yeah, I know. People would say, this builds character. But honest to God, I trust I am already quite a character. I don't need additional 'character.'
I'm so tired today. I came to work with a worry that we are unable to send out the revised version of the reports in time for the 1.30pm call. I had a meeting at 11am to discuss over gaps we have identified for all products due to some change in policy and action plans to work around it which is due by end May 2010.
Then I was told off big time after we send it out, that I should not have sent it since that was not the instruction (but the whole world thought so too, so I wasn't the only one who misunderstood). I had to literally stand next to my boss, deliberate what the real changes are page by page so if anyone ask him, he has answers to it. And, it wasn't just a 5-10 pager mind you.
Then I got news that the guy who was supposed to cover me for a council meeting is on MC and he abandon me altogether with what little I know (luckily I prepared the deck and consolation is I know the numbers. My weakness - I am unsure of the history and workout around this). Thank Heavens, in this little berserk, God was kind. Somehow I got support from Ivy, Boon and Hui2 to company me in case the counsel were to question the unobvious which I may not know off.
I skipped lunch because every thing was back to back (had not had breakfast which I normally don't). And finally got to grab some carbo at 4.30pm comprises of Mee Hoon goreng, a fried chicken and a cup of iced Rose syrup. I had small pangs of gastric already.
I thought I would go for a run to ease my mind at 6pm but guess what, it's growling outside, threatening to rain with accompanying lightning. So much for it.
Anyway, all I know is I just want to go home, pack some of my unpack clothes into the closet. Wash some clothes and lay like a rag doll, all battered and ugly on my bed and finish up The Historian. I just want to be with myself and enjoy the moment with just myself. Maybe even some drawings.
If Eugene knows about this, he would be lamenting that I leave early only when he is not in town but the point is not that, it's just coincidental. And for the lack of sugar in my system (I believe, my head is heavy now and if I don't resolve with any pain killer, this would definite built to a darn migraine).
It does make me wonder off late, if really, really this struggle and sacrifice is worth every penny I earn. Is it worth the struggle, the every now and then mistakes? The 'told off'? I mean, even now as I am talking, I don't have my K-man to drive. I don't have a lifestyle of a rich and famous where they wine and dine in expensive diners, drink designer coffee or wear designers. I'm just half there only, minus all the designer word. And I know, I would be still happy even if I am not there.
So, what is with this toughness that I need to endure? What's with it?
