Shutting Up in a Mellow Meadow

I just feel like talking in cyberspace today. But I honestly don’t have a sense of what really I want to talk about. My mind is pretty fray and sparse. But I think I will just rant away.

 

Just as I am feeling. Just walk away, talk away and mind away. Whatever that means.

 

I have this tinge feeling that I am going to be happy again. Not that I am not. I am just feeling nothing. I’m having this neither here nor there feeling. For many reasons I supposed. Nor do I feel like I’m just driven towards something as I normally am.

 

Take a very good example, I have been procrastinating my card orders till today. I jolly well had a good few hours to complete a card or two yesterday and all I did was, I fed Romeo and Juliet, took a shower, jump into bed, played my games, checked FB (boring…), read few pages of “Tapai” and literally, my eyes just fell upon me…

 

I even have this guilty thoughts of telling the girls who ordered my cards that I can’t deliver their orders in time. Not that I have anything against them (I don’t even know who they are) but for a simple fact that I am not really in the mood to make cards. I feel quite reclusive lately.

 

And I am not even fighting over the feeling. I’m just letting myself be whatever I feel like feeling and I know, eventually, after awhile of the same mode of brooding, I will get tired and move on to the next feeling.

 

At the same time, I seemed to be in an intolerance mood as well. I can’t seemed to have that normal tolerance towards people. Like yesterday night, Eugene went on and on and extremely on about the idiosyncrasies of his office colleagues and it came to a point that I was totally irritated and forced myself to shutdown to whatever he had to say thereafter. I felt he was just overly naggy and it’s over the top.

 

I don’t think I used to be that intolerant. Normally, I will just take it, let it pass and just be. I don’t just shut by not even giving it a change to go through me.

 

I am trying to understand this feeling of shutting up. And I suspect it was attributed from the overly dose of that individual who irritated me about her perceived cool life attainment (with much emulation to mine, dumb bitch copycat! Hah hah). She has this talent of going on and on like a broken record which just makes up want to erase her out of your life.

 

But why would such a petty thing trigger me to shut everything?

 

Not entirely. But when any matter of issue comes to its over indulgence, I just automatically shut. I think it’s some sort of defense mechanism which is in active mode so that I could just regain some sanity back into the system before I function normally again.

 

I think.

 

Anyway, I feel that I badly want to leave office at 6pm these days. But it never happens. After all, the traffic will clear only once all hungry beings and ghoul goes to their destination of breaking fast or breaking dinner. That in general would be 7pm. Sharks.

 

So what am I going to do? Just do some mellow-dramatic stuff to clean up the little bits of unimportant and un-urgent things I supposed.

 

Well, that’s that for now. Signing off from a mellow state of mind. Cioas.

Brands

I’m feeling better to some extent. Work has not been intense as it was and I’m like taking a stroll in the park these few days. I hope for such days to come and continue coming.

 

I feel very much of letting go of everything. Just watching it pass on.

 

In this capacity of idealness and recluse, I got myself a new wallet yesterday. Heh heh. I splurged RM1K++ on a Miu Miu. I <heart> Miu Miu. Not for anything but it’s chicness ideal. Afterall it’s Prada’s sister. Prada being my favorite because of its quiet simplicity (which of course, next best are my Ferragamo shoes and belts).

 

I’m not quite the branded person as the branded person next door. In fact, my indulgence are up to shoes, bags, belts and wallets. Nothing beyond. I’m pretty sure…

 

Nope. Not even clothes.

 

Clothes ought to be reasonably priced, trendy yet something I can trash out within 2-3 years after the fashion passes by without feeling guilty over the cash spend.

 

So the brands I patronize is quite regular of a city dweller’s – MNG, Zara, Gap (to some extend because most often than not, their XS may still end up loose for me), Massimo Dutti, Pull and Bear, Roxy and the random little boutiques with clothes imported from China, Taiwan or Shanghai (in short, cheap clothes!)

 

Ah, so easy to satisfy ain’t? Heh heh.

Reflection

I'm in the mood where I get irritated and my patience which I normally have seemed to have dissipated into extreme thin air. I need to regain my normal self of sanity. So to be patient at all time, do not take heed of anything except that matters, take a deep breath, let go and just absord goodness.

I need to find that peace within me. I need to discard the root cause of interuption. And many a time, it has to do with no one but myself. I choose how I feel, how I see or how I think.

It is enough of negative people now. Discard. Let go and let be.

Pests n Gerbils

I've cursed and sweared my heart's out for the past 1-2 days on that mother fucker who almost hit me with this dumb ass Merc, plate no. QUB 75. Fuck up loser. And so I have said my peace in FB.

Then I realised he just got into my nerve real bad this time so much so that anyone whose trying to be funny with me with stupid remarks will have the honor of tasting my sarcasm.

I mean, of course I have come to realised in this lifetime, there are many, many other people in this world who thrive on telling people about their I-know-better-than-you thoughts as a word of advice without you even asking..

I mean, basically this is the sort of people who thinks they are doing some good socially for free by giving you advice you didn't even ask for. And I am sure, everyone would agree it often comes from people who are the worst lot ie. bunch of losers or the very person who doesn't know nuts about the subject matter and yet wants to 'share' his/her point of stupid view. All in the name that he / she fucking thinks they know more than you.

Thank you very much but I am sad to inform all of your stupid advices which I did not ask for has been thrown out of the window right and than when you tried acting smart. I didn't appreciate a single one sentence or word of it. At all.

Haha...

Sometimes I just got to be mean to take care of myself. Otherwise, I keep getting these fuckers looming around my life for no apparent reason like a fairy God damn mother.

I have also taken liberty to HIDE people from my status updates because I honestly can't stand the way some people try so hard to be cool about things. I mean, there is an unspoken set of standards of actions and words to say or things to do that constitute to coolness and some people just either

1. don't have the knack for it or

2. tried too hard that they makes a nuisance out of themself.

Haha...

I know. This post is one of those hantam post. Those hammering post where I just go on and on and on about stupidity. Haha...

Lately there has been this particular individual who has been trying extremely hard to be cool. But her extends are so much so that it becomes loathsome. But pardon me first, I did try not to be bothered, I did try to ignore but it has come to the point where enough is just enough.

I did lament to several of my closer friends about it. Of course, Eugene had to hear most of the bitching.

She started off with 'jogging' as she calls it. Then while threading with 2-3km jogging, she sneers on her other colleagues who wants to join her for the jogs. I mean, she was like telling me in FB to go 'jogging' with her just to laugh of those people.

Haha.. I mean I have not even set my stands about laughing at her for her distance and she has the cheek to laugh at other people who are taking initiatives to exercise.

What sort of a person is this really?

Then she went on and on with taking pictures of her, just HER doing some ridiculous stretching in the park and had it posted in FB. And mind you, the physique wasn't all that fit and beef up like most sporty looking chicks.

I mean, she's far from that really.

I ignored.

Then she went on with the yoga. For the life of me, I have been doing yoga for years and being yoga it is, there is nothing much to shout about. It's just like any other exercises that one does. But given that she has been on it for 1 month or so, she now has taken pictures of her sitting cross legged in lotus poise and now entired changed that to her picture profile.

Errrr, my honest opinion: there is nothing yogic about how she sat or look. Question: What is the point?

That was not the end. She started then sneering at people who joined yoga because they saw the benefits of it since she has been openly boasting to those about her weight loss, owing entirely to her new found exercise regimes.

I can't stand the sneer. I can't stand the ego-ism. I can't stand the boasting.

I mean. Good things are meant to be shared. I can't comprehend this sneering. I honestly can't and don't tolerate that. It's over egoistic. Over.

And to top that, she has been flooding us with pictures over pictures over pictures over pictures of nothing but herself, herself and herself in the FB. And it is not that she is a bit good looking or anything of that sort [I mean there are girls in my list of friends who ARE good looking, of which, I have absolutely no qualms and would totally comprehend their act of cam whoring].

But for this? Lord Buddha, Jesus Christ and God, I don't know. But all I know now is, I can't stand her. It's just OVER... Haha...

Caucasian v Asian Men

I started off with melancholy strokes of breast style in the pool. Partly because my shoes aren't 101% dry from yesterday's episode of downpour, also because I don't feel like running consecutively every day.

And I did good laps of 40, of course being interrupted by the occasional farang whose ignorance fail to notice my swimming route despite going through the same straight angle like 20 times over the length of the pool.

Farang.

We Malaysians call them Mat Salleh in Malay, Ang Mor in Hokkein or Kwai Loh in Cantonese.

I still don't quite comprehend the reason many Asians chicks prized them highly on the pedestal. Some rubbish supremacy apparently.

Of course I'm not denying that Asians guys are a lot of a slacker gender, which put majority of them in shortcoming physical attributes, or sad mentality towards the female appreciation, the younger generation of upcoming mummy boys are fairing better.

But still, the ideal partner who can converse and act in equality from an Asian men perspective still needs improvement, which puts them in dire straits, including allowing the Ang Mors to sound, look and taste (for the lack of better word) better.

Nevertheless, with countless observation I garner from my time surrounded by these pink fellas, I must say it is mere generalization that makes them look smarter and more civilized. More sophisticated some call it. Some claimed 'class.'

But be surprise not that easily 3/4 of them are just like every male gender with hanging penis between their legs -a useless lot. They are no better than the Azman selling the infamous Ramly burger that simply pops up overnight like wild mushroom in the least expected places, or Ah Choy who vendors pirated DVDs from grade AA to Grade B latest movie from Hollywood, from Japanese to anal porn of all sorts, or Sivarajoo aka Steve (don't know how the moniker came about usually) who helps in his uncle's mamak or money changer booth somewhere in those suburb's mall.

I supposed it has been more of the middle class ladies choices we are tackling here. I mean, the lower or upper class won't be the least concerns over the choices left for a mate afterall.

Somehow I'm sure Asians dude will eventually prevail to be a nicer group, at least not better but at least as good as the gentlemen Caucasian counterpart with now better education, exposure and mummy's upbringing.

I'm sure.

Just in Bophut

I'm sitting by the deck over looking the pool at my back, beach at my front. With nothing much in thoughts to write.

Most often than not my mind is blank. From the fact that I'm not thinking much.

I spend my days reading tonnes, playing games relentlessly and when due in the evening, I either swim or run my usual distance.

And of course I eat heartily.

Being in Thailand is even better than being at home. Food here has more essence of veg and fruits. Though of course the level of spiciness is competitively comparable. As usual I remind people here two things- less spicy in everything I get into my mouth and as much as I can, zero sugar.

On the sugar bit, trust me, half of the time it gets out of hand because we have indeed lots of communication breakdown.

People in less touristy areas generally speak VERY little English. But it's tolerable, after all, Thais make up with their undying hospitality and humbleness.

Of course as I always say over and again, I can live here forever. So long I have the books and wireless for my games and writing. I'm such a simple human to be happy.

Of course you people will ask if I could live without my car and what nots. Honest answer: give me a nice place to live in Samui with above mentioned, you got a done deal. I'll sell off the car and everything else expensive I own in KL because I really don't need such here.

Ah, people, if you must wonder, I'm a being with needs in accordance to the environment I'm in. If there is no need, there will be no demand of it. Simple.

I can let go in short. Haha.

Anyway it was quite a tragic evening yesterday. I dragged my feet for a run in the evening despite the cloudy skies. And I was even more adventurous eagerly wanting to venture into the unknown of Bophut little town with my size 4.5 feet.

And so I started. With sheer gut feel of the direction I head. I don't even know where I am going. Just run and reminded myself not to forget the way back, that is all.

Then it drizzles at 1.5km.

"Nevermind," I said. "Not that you never run in drizzles, it won't kill you," I reminded myself.

Then the drizzles became heavier, then heavier until it was pouring.

Ah, I forgot, this is Thailand. Not KL. You pray to Buddha here, not THE God I pray to. That is why.

And so I got very soaked. My entire hair then tee got right down to my shoes and socks soaked.

Ok, that was my limit. I cursed. You can wet me however you want but you can't wet MY SHOES. My precious shoes...

I reached the hotel with 2.89k done. Yikes. And so I headed straight to the gym. Lucky. No one is using the threadmill. With the embarrassing soaked style, i crept into the gym for it's towel and wiped myself as dry as I could.

Then I did 3.3k. Awesome. Just awesome. Then 15mins of basic yoga strecthing and I'm feeling awesomely bliss.

And so it rained again this early morning. Leaving still my shoes damp and the hanging bikinis only 3/4 dry.

But then again, it's a lovely day today. I am enjoying my time. I'm not complaining - I mean what is there to complain?

And so I'll update more later... Someone is bugging me for that darn walk of 1 km again to get his grub... Arghhhhh. Laterz...

Aspiring People

Aspiring People.

 

I brushed on this these few days while the body language of everyone in our huddle is asking me to add-on to the topic of the day. And almost every time that happens, it’s like having a quickie over and about scrabbling across my mind as to say something interestingly in conjunction to the topic and then, back to how the theme could relate to those people.

 

I realized to some extent, I have a knack of such bullshit. Probably when it comes to crap shits, I always have a total good grip of it. Now, that attest to a hidden forte, ain’t? Ha ha. 

 

Anyway, I realized my daily enthusiasm comes undeniably from aspiring people. Real people of which are definitely not half baked celebrities, marketing or advertising propaganda people.

 

And because of that, I was thinking that I should make it a point to share my ‘people’ and their stories.

 

OK, that needs some time to write and as you can see from the time of my post, I am actually working. And so, yes, I will have that listed soon… er, after work. During the weekend? Lunch break? Tonight?

 

On the way…

 

 

My Mission

I’m on a hearty mission to get to the fittest that I could ever be.

 

There, I just made a statement for myself. *grin*

 

How?

 

1. Do something every day that makes my heart pound like the carpenter’s hammer hitting the nail for at least 30 minutes
2. Mind the oil and fats and what goes through that mouth
3. Eat everything lesser than I use to
4. Lots of core work to build my abs – I’m ok whether it turns out to be a 4 or 6 pac

 

Why?

1. I’m 35, I’m not going to wait anymore and wonder “if” I could be lean with an awesome abs and fit snugly into all my bikinis
2. To proof that despite being a standard, normal, person, living life mediocrely, I am capable of physical achievement just as any celebrities
3. Looking and feeling good with great workouts makes me feel spectacularly on top of the world – every time

 

When?

 

31 Dec 2010

 

Here I come…

 

 

 

Cayman S

I have finally decided to come out of my little closet to speak about my Cayman S. So in return of it, I am just expecting car enthusiasts or lovers (so they are called) to appreciate the machine much as I do. But to those sour grapes who think I'm all for boasting, you can continue on reading and hate me or just abandon this piece so you can continue your life with a peace of mind that I never existed or that i ever had a Cayman, if you get my drift. Hehe...

My first and foremost thought when I decided to purchase the Cayman S is if I could handle the machine. I mean, we are talking of a car with 300bhp, 3.4cc of engine capacity, 0-100 at 5.4 sec, top speed of 275kmph and more so a Porsche which is reputed for it's impeccable performance.

But that did not stop me short from getting it. I mean, my thoughts were wandering more of what other car besides this could make my heart double and triple flip when I look at it?

I have looked around hard, and nothing could beat my love for the Cayman. Nothing I daresay could come near this beast.

Unless of course, it's those under my list of "if not" which covers the E92 M3 which is way beyond my budget,the classy Maserati Grand Turissmo, again way off my budget or the audacious Aston Martin Vantage V8 which equally is way off my budget. Hehe..

I have made a point even, if it cannot be the Cayman, it's nothing at all. I will just stick to my balmy handsome E46 CI. Afterall I'm still very happy with the stallion. Though I have some issues about it's horse power. But nevermind, it's a beautiful fella.

For 1 year my search begun. Needless to mention, most people think I'm one of those people who enjoys doing nothing but dream and dream over such far fetch dream. Some laugh. Some lament. Some taking it as hearsay. Some shake their heads equating it to a foolish act. Oh whatever...

So finally when the timing was right, Cayman S it was.

Of course, it was surreal. The entire experience of putting the downpayment, signing the loan agreement and a load more signing here and there and the final bit that the car is ready for collection. It was entirely dreamlike. It still hasn't gotten into my system that I was about to be driving a Porsche. Let alone own one.

It did not struck me even that owning one is a big deal. Nor did it struck me about what "other people" would say, let alone think, and nor did it struck me about the reaction from the cynicals. Afterall, I do as I please, whatever my heart desires, within my means as always.

And when finally Eugene handed me the keys to my car when I came back from work one late evening, I was just like a kid whom daddy has gotten her the dream bicycle. Elated is an understatement. I trust if a camera could capture the moment, it would have been those million dollar picture. I trust it would have been the look that no money could buy. The feeling was indescribable. I still can't find the right words.

While Eugene was equally worried about my ability to control the car, he sat next to me, giving specific direction on how to. Yeah, I'm afterall a girl, where girls aren't supposed to be good with anything mechanical. So yours truly went through the motion of A to Z introduction like I was about to take on a crash course. Yada yada yada he went.

With that done, a clear night out, I steered my first drive in a Porsche into the night on the NKVE, like a little kitten playing it's first ball of yarn. Careful, cautious and watchful. Whatever words you can use on this, I was all there.

Holding on to these feelings, I glanced over the logo and brushed it over with my forefinger saying to myself smilingly, "Wow, can't believe this. A dream come true."

And yes, I drove at a mere 100kmph at most. But surprisingly, the Cayman is the most friendly car I have ever driven, like instead of me having to accustom to it, he accommodated me the way I wanted him to be. To my ease, comfort and genuine surprise. I did not have to compromise and he gave all in.

But more so now that my Cayman is with me for a good 2 months, nothing has changed. He is still as compromising as ever to my style and my senses.

At every acceleration or corner, there bind the mutual understanding of my safety and all I have to do is worry over the degree of courage to challenge him on. At every need for an outburst acceleration, he will always be assuring that he can do more than the weight of my little feet on that awesome accelerator. I mean, the endless pedal on my far right is just what he needs.

Little by little within these 2 months I have indeed learnt from him. I have learnt to give him the trust of my life, that he is made and built as a Porsch by unspeakable standards of driving pleasure perfection and above all, being such an easy car to anyone who is up for such fancy.

It clenches at every nooks and corners at any speed I impose yet at the same time, it purrs when there is a sudden surge of power with such level of humbleness. He is a creature of confidence that never once when I steer aggressively has he failed to lose his balance. Even if I were to dodge over anything, there is never a moment he can't take. At every overtaking, whether it was a sudden rav or gradual pick up, he would give in according to my feelings. There has never been a surprise. And above it all, steering it is as precise as it could be. There is no "about there" or need for guesstimation. It hits the nail right there as I want it to be.

Such is the Cayman S.

Till today, his maximum has not been tested because there is just my own courage that has yet to be conquered before I could attain that. So, one can daresay, to drive a Cayman S like a true blue driver, it is not so much about owning the car but more to that of having the standards and driving enigma to handle one of the ultimate driving machine...

I have yet to match the humble ferociousity of the car with my inhabited guts. For now, the Cayman is far beyond me, still. I still wonder would I ever reach his limit and ask him for more instead of him doing so ever so often with me. Only time can tell. But till then, my only acceptable excuse is: I'm just a girl... Hehehe...

Current Musing Thoughts

Now that I am done cursing, I shall start fresh with my usual ranting.

Given the series of events that is happening to me in the office, it is indeed a sharp call for a good break. But on the hind side of things, I wonder if really, it is also a sharp call for my early retirement.

Hahaha... while I'm laughing, I am still thinking IF this is it. This is the calling to start planning seriously of my life pursuit that makes me happy. I mean to dwell into things that really makes me happy.

I am not denying this job pays me handsomely. But at many points, it brings me unwarranted stress. Of course, a lot of corporate people will be advising me that the stress I get is the extend of the imposition I am allowing it to have upon my own self. But if to begin with there is no source of stress, there is nothing to be stress with then.

See what I mean.

But of course, a sane person would tell me it would be an act of a fool to give up such a good job for passion. But as Eugene keeps reminding me, do what that makes you happy.

I don't know if anyone ever realised this but I can't get any better gift from him than to give me his blessings. Just do what I think is right and that that makes me happy.

My mind is pretty mess up with stuff like this at the moment.

People who already know my lifestyle would attest to this. Like what now brown cow?

I don't really have an answer.

But what I do know is, everytime I face with very tough situations, it makes me stronger.

Given that the same would have happened to me 5 years ago, I would be very affected. Today, it just some no peace of mind but I could still function with everything else moving along.

I just want to have things at a mode of 1-step-at-a-time. Don't over react or over stress on matters. Life's too short as I always put it. Got to live the moment.

But yes, at times, while we are so engross worrying about things for tomorrow we just forget.

Anyway, I am in those twilight zone with books at the moment. Believe it not, I have read or rather, half read 3 books as of today, somehow thee books are either too long winded or just fail to hold me attention long enough to continue reading. It's sad. And as a result I have not updated on my current reads. Hehe.

I'm half way through "The Memory Keeper's Daugther." I just lamented to Eugene that it is a hard book to read. It basically is thriving on sadness and walking through that phrase in life as the basis of the storyline. I'm not much into such books because it's hard for me to feel the story.

I mean, it's tough for me to feel sad every time I leaf through the pages. And I really feel that way.

Tough. Despite it being one of those nominated for something kinda book. Of course I agree that the storyline is great, the writing is awesome and not forgetting the way
Kim Edwards writes, ahhh, precise descriptive words to depict every step every character embraces. She deserves the nomination. She even deserves the book sales.

But to Verniela, it's a tough book.

As it is already, my life for the past 7 months have been tough, particularly on the work forefront. I don't want anymore of such toughness in life *smile*.

So yes, I'm sorry Kim, I will have to let this one go. I'll have it put back to my lovely shelf with lots of respect and admiration on your work. But I will not though, forget to read up the entire synopsis of it so I would know how it all ended at last, somehow...

Anyway, the time is already pointing to 6.10pm. It is time I go for my walk.

Before that, I must put a note on 2 things though.

1. When would I be finishing my books? Answer: I don't know. I just told Eugene this afternoon about it and he asked this? "Which one?" "The one with the 5 Ladies or Shanice?" I'll walk on the one with the 5 Ladies first... I promised myself a good one by end of 2010. I don't know if I would ever make it, at least to the draft of a complete story but I'll try.

Though this would mean, I would cease my card making for a little while to have a good concentration on my work.

2. I am planning to do up a lovely desk top calendar for charity work by year end. Since I have several good friends whom are into photography, let's see how we can come together and have Sanctuary Home featured on the 12 months, then I'll arrange and work out on the entire artwork and concept of the calendar. Not forgetting the printing cost, the entire logistics of these.
It's gonna be quite a bit of work here but I am sure, it would pay off. I am even sure this time around, we could raise more than RM5K for the home.

Just pray for me that we can garner enough generous support from everyone for the kids... I'm pretty much looking forward to this... :-)

Alright. Enough said. The clock is ticking. I need to get sweaty and move those fats.

Have a good week ahead everyone. Remember, live.

Stupid Bitch

On Friday night, just before I was about to knock off, some bitch had to spoilt my weekend by giving me a call and telling me some crap that I had to rectified with the Business Manager.

WTF.

We asked her early of the day on the numbers provided and got a half baked answer. I mean, we didn't know that it was half baked until she called me at 7pm and told me it was something else she gave.

WTF.

From the bottom of my palpitating heart, I hate this. I hate her. I hate the situation. I hate the numbers. I hate the people.

And the worst of it all was we gallantly given the wrong explanation to our new Boss because that was what this bitch gave us.

I'm more concern of 2 things:
1. What would our new Boss think of us to be? Definitely imbeciles who does not know what is happening under our noses

2. That the Business Manager thinks Risk Management people are playing a fool giving some crap numbers every 2 weeks.

I HATE this.

As of now, I don't know if my staff will be going back to work to get this rectified since we roughly know the answer when we discussed over the line at 9pm. Just cross my fingers and pray.

And I'm piss because things just have to happen at the end of the week, leaving me with no peace of mind.

People just can't be more responsible than this and in turn to manage this, it leaves me with no choice but to be a control freak in anything under my wing.

There is this thing about being a control freak which I hate but circumstances over circumstances does not allow me to let go. And I really HATE this.

I dread going to work tomorrow having to resolve this just because some imbecile which was too involved with her own work and can't be bothered to give us a straight answer earlier that day got us into hot soup.

Perfect example of assholes.

I can't continue on in this same post of something lighter. Because when I start talking about this, it cheeses me off big time...

Next one... believe it would be better...