Today is another day. I don't know if it would be day of indifference or day of contempt joy yet but I know it would be a good one. For one, I am earlier for work.
I did a good 6km this morning. My thoughts were very much with myself though at some turn at the park I was preparing mentally to bump into that bloody scrawny old man. Thank Heavens, he's not here today. Everytime I don't see him during my morning runs, I secretly hope he has died.
Yeah. I have this evil pang within me that has this really despicable feeling over people who I sincerely detest. Don't ask me why but the only reason I could explain for this phenomenon is the attribution of an anguish and suppress childhood. Oh, don't get me wrong. It is not my parent's fault.
They have taught me everything a good human should be and a bad human should not be but, I have this twisted character which goes beyond them. They are very simple, law abiding and responsible adults who happen to be my parents so naturally, it is taken for granted, their offspring would be simple, responsible and kind.
Somehow, when I grew up, I realized I have this tenacity of being mean if I want to. I have also discover what meanness means and what evil is all about. Though I have not killed, harm or hire someone to be raped (gulp) but I realized if ever in life when my anger peaks to such extend of hatred and evilness and if I do not take full control of my insane self, I might have the courage to commit one of them.
I have even extend of manipulation. And I realized I have those in born capability if I want to. This manipulation element is so perfect and well planned that it seemed seamless and invisible to anyone. So much so that sometimes, I scare myself of my capability.
I have analyzed myself and as I have said, it were attributed from the suppress childhood. Especially during my teenage years when I feel the school system suppresses us to express ourselves and only rule with punishment and embarrassment just to attain order within those ridiculously rusty fences that builds boundaries between reality and a female asylum.
Given my already heated temperament and creative character, this sparks and encourage means to go against orderly beyond a simple mind. To go against norm. To go against orderly. To go against people who tell me I can't without giving time to explain without them even knowing. So that, I get away scot free.
But these defiance is not to feel proud in defying itself and proving my intelligence, but more of getting things done within "my way" that I am happy with.
I also learnt, I believe in logic and so to attain my support, things has to be made in logical common sense and not just utter rubbish of bewilderment reasons for the sake of a reason. I will challenge that. And I will kill a person emotionally or mentally if the imposer can't make some sense for their reason of governance.
This itself, I have considered, fiery. A fiery character.
I also want to move out of this furnace of suppression who restricts me angrily to be what I really am. People in my little world refuse to allow me to be what I am and want to be. It angers me. I literally feel everyone wants a piece to control me within their rein, hoping I would live by their standards, and not mine. And theirs, are always lame and boring. Sick and lackluster. Mundane and orthodox. I want to defy these, badly. All because I want to be what life has for me out there. Colorful and fun.
I do not deep down enjoy everything I do when I was young. Because deep down I am either doing it for someone or something, very seldom for myself. But to comfort my unnerving soul, I reminded myself every time I am made doing those stuff like a frustrated prostitute who has no choice in life but to open her legs 10 times a day for 10 different fuckers that, these good behavior and results are tickets to my freedom to be what I want to be.
So I do reasonably well. I make people in their eyes see, I am good. I am deserving. I am sound. Only, just to get away from their clutches of suppression and control.
And yes, those hard years have built these other dark side of me that still prevails when anger strikes. On an optimistic outlook, these aggression and hard headedness drives me to be what I am today. My sturdy stubbornness and opinionated voice makes me someone who write wittily that most often than not, people who reads what I write ask me for my source of inspiration. From Shanice to the 5 Ladies in KL to my daily ramblings on issues and matters of the heart.
On the pessimistic outlook, these dark side requires absolute control over. And I have realized, yoga for once have managed to manifest it ways for me to control my own darkness. Not my darkness over me. So at 34 going on 35, the fire of evilness has indeed been put under a simmering mode under a pack of quieten coals along with managing and harnessing enough well to bring goodness to myself and the people around me. More so to society if I could.
My only hope is, one day, I would be able to let the feeling of meanness to the people I hate off the hook. Or even to have the feeling of hate over a selection of people today who has done very unjustly things towards me, emotionally to be 'nothing.' Only I believe, that, it would put the entire simmering furnace off and probably, me ending up in a cave like Mulu, long haired, untamed, wearing only yellow robe, brown yellow rotting teeth, meditating to past time and seek enlightenment, with people all around Malaysia coming to seek me for blessings and wisdom.
I am then called, "Your holy highness." *smirk*
