I realized I am a sucker for sad love song. Or is it that, sad love songs are better written than happy love songs? With this, I trust anyone as a matter of fact, would be able to at least identify 1 sad love song that strikes them. Awww, don't give me the look. It's true. Haha.
I feel like talking about my heart today. Somehow, this sentimental bug got me again.
I was flipping through my iphone, self shuffling my songs. Pre and post genre of today. And I stumbled upon songs I used to love. Still love. But you know how some songs bring back nostalgic memories when you are living at that moment in time.
I was just reminded of a good friend, in fact, very extremely good friend then, but now "just-friends" because of what I have done.
The story goes that we became friends from mutual friends. And we got closer because he had an accident that broke his leg. This got him into a cast for a year long and he could do nothing but recuperate at home. And by the virtue that my mum is the mother of queen control (which resulted me being a mega recluse in my teenage years because I am often not allowed to wonder the street with my vagabond friends), RG became my friend.
So fate has it that I could only yak on the telephone and coincidently, he is always available in his home because of his condition. See how this fits? How is it that I ended companying him and vice versa via the only means of communication - the telephone.
We talked in the mornings. We talked in the evenings. We talked at nights. We talked about our lives. We talked about our dreams. We talked about almost everything just like 2 very good friends. And so we went on.
But at the time of his recovery, which fell somewhere near Valentines, he sent me a Valentine card. In this card, as I could recall, he has hundreds of tiny little words that formed many, many, many sentences all over the entire card, confessing how much he likes me. In today's term, love me.
I was partly surprise. Partly flattered. Partly sad.
Because, RG was always my best friend. RG was always the one who is there for me. RG was the one who makes me laugh. RG was the one who threaded the same lines of thoughts in my life. It was all RG.
But always, RG is one of my best friend. I love RG. I like RG. But as a friend.
So, my surprise came that RG has some chemistry for me. My flatter was that given the nerd I was, there was someone out there who is interested in me. My sadness was because RG is always my best friend. And so, I knew, from that day onwards, I would never have this very same friendship. Much as I would want it to last.
This was the turn of our friendship. When I told him after reading the very sweet card that it is impossible to be together, that was it. I broke his poor heart. I can't remember the exact words I said over the phone but it was somewhere along that line.
We drifted then on.
I went on with my life. I went to college, uni, graduated, returned from OZ, got a job in KL, struggled, did my Masters, in between got to know a lot of people, dated, broke hearts and got broken, met Eugene, got married, built my career, built a life and here I am.
But the fact of the matter remains that, while we did meet many times together with mutual friends, I don't think RG has forgotten the episode on this. Nor would I choose to believe he forgave me for not reciprocating that feeling he had. Because, things were never, ever the same, again.
So RG, if you happen to read this today. I can't say more how much I still appreciate you as a good friend. But it is ok if you don't. It is ok that you feel I have betrayed your feelings. Somehow after this 16-17 years of growing up, you are still my friend. A good friend.
